


home

by kanames_harisen



Category: Naruto
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Angst and Porn, Eventual Romance, Explicit Sexual Content, Forgiveness, Haruno Sakura-centric, Infidelity, Multi, Oblivious Uzumaki Naruto, Polyamorous side characters, Slow Burn, Uchiha Sasuke Being an Asshole, Unreliable Narrator, adulting is messy and complicated, especially when it comes to love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2020-12-23 23:50:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21089873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kanames_harisen/pseuds/kanames_harisen
Summary: But when her wrath subsided, the heartbreak was still there, whispering -he’ll always choose the clan first.





	1. precontemplation

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve had this idea for a while, but haven’t been in the right headspace to write it until now. Darkish and smutty and full of heartbreak. It’s a personal purging of some wounds I’m dealing with in real life. Heavily Sakura-centric. Not necessarily for the faint of heart, though I promise it will have a happy ending.
> 
> Title and section headings from the Dotan song, _Home II._ Chapter titles come from the TTM (Stages of Change) model.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ before ]  
** _ broken stones, broken lightning _

**.oOo.**

The first time Sakura walked in on them, she was too shocked to react. She probably should have felt hurt or betrayed or devastated. Or, considering her personality, the all-consuming fury of one thousand fireball jutsu simultaneously exploding. 

But she didn't.

As she watched her husband thrust his cock down her best friend's throat, all she felt was numb. 

She watched as Sasuke came, his soft groan of release all too familiar to her ears. She watched as Naruto swallowed his seed, a slight trickle escaping at the corner of his mouth. She watched, silent and unfeeling, as they both turned towards her with apologies in their eyes. 

"Surprise," she said. "Shizune gave me the day off." 

Then she walked to the guest bedroom and locked the door.

**.oOo.**

After Sakura had spent a month's worth of nights in the guest room, Sasuke and Naruto decided it was time they all had an open discussion about what she'd seen. 

They had a lot to say about love and want and need. 

Sasuke loved and wanted her. Naruto loved and wanted his fiance, Hinata. But sometimes, they just needed each other. They'd tried to stem the tide of their attraction, but their efforts had merely heightened their desire. It was inevitable. 

Like fate, they said. 

By that point in the conversation, Sakura had been on the verge of tears. Between her breaking heart and Naruto's guilt-ridden expression, it was a natural reaction. The numbness and denial fully lifted, and the pain from her husband's infidelity lanced through her soul with the precision of a scalpel. Sasuke was fucking Naruto, and he had no plans to stop. Sakura slowly pushed back from the table, her hands gripping the wood hard enough to make it creak. 

Sasuke cleared his throat and presented her with a scroll. She unrolled it, confused. 

"Why are you showing me our marriage contract?" Sakura said, her tears magnifying the anger in her eyes. "Doesn't exactly seem like the appropriate fucking time, does it?" 

"I need you to understand." 

"Understand what, asshole?" 

Pointing at the seal just above their signatures, Sasuke said, "You can't divorce me. Not without first producing an heir." 

Sakura stood, snatching the scroll off the table as she tested the veracity of his claim for herself. With the full scope of her damnation exposed under a magnification jutsu –_ it was there, in letters disguised as decorative flourishes around the Uchiha clan seal _– Sakura paled. 

"I know the village wants to rebuild the clan, but what bastard would stoop so low as to tamper with our marriage contract?" She turned to her husband. Sasuke held her gaze, but Naruto hung his head, refusing to make eye contact. Sakura’s stomach lurched as a wave of dread and suspicion washed over her. "Wait, how long have you known about this?" When Sasuke said nothing, her quick mind latched onto the reason behind his silence. "You have got to be kidding me. You did this? Without fucking telling me?" Sasuke nodded, and Sakura gathered her chakra into the palms of her tightly clenched fists. "Did he know?"

Naruto's head popped up, his expression horrified, and he waved his hands in a mute, frantic sort of denial.

"No." Sasuke shifted his weight, blocking his lover from Sakura's view. "I alone am the one responsible." 

Sasuke's admission ignited the wrath that had been slumbering deep within her belly, growing each night she slept alone. He took everything Sakura threw at him without combat or complaint, and in the end, his compliance was also his mercy. 

Rather than killing him, she put him in the hospital for a month. 

It seemed a fitting recompense.

(But when her wrath subsided, the heartbreak was still there, whispering –  
_ he'll always choose the clan first _)

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; i ]  
** _ house of doubt _

**.oOo.**

Sakura shifted out of her white lab coat and hung it on the hook next to her desk. In an ungraceful heap, she flopped face down on the futon in the corner of her office. It'd been another miserable day in a series of miserable days. 

Konoha was set to host the chuunin exams at the end of the month. Which, of course, meant stupid genin doing stupid shit during stupidly intense training sessions. The day of the announcement had been so busy several of the hospital staff had been dangerously depleted of chakra. After that, Tsunade made a temporary, hospital-wide policy change: all genin were to be treated by non-chakra methods whenever possible until the start of the exams.

Maybe it was sadistic, but Sakura cheered inwardly. Sure, setting bones by hand and stitching up flesh took more time than using her healing chakra. But it also was more painful for the patient. Inflicting that upon the reckless little snots who made her day harder was worth the physical exhaustion.

Sakura rolled over, a deep sigh of frustration fluttering through her bangs. It was late. The clock on her desk read 9:37 pm. She should go home and shower. Maybe get some dinner. Her futon, whose purpose was for naps when she was on call, had also been working overtime lately. After rummaging through the bottom drawer of her file cabinet, which now doubled as a makeshift dresser, she groaned.

"Dammit." She stomped her feet, an angry little dance, and let out a guttural roar. "I have to do laundry."

**.oOo.**

Sakura opened the door with little fanfare. In the past, she would've bounced inside with a cheerful, _ honey, I'm home,_ and waited for Sasuke's welcoming kiss. Now, she just dropped her bag on the table, unconcerned by the thump it made. If it woke Sasuke up, then too damn bad. She might not be announcing her presence anymore, but she wasn't going to sneak around her own house. 

As she contemplated the merits of a shower versus food, she heard a rustle down the hallway. Sasuke slept supernaturally still, rarely moving enough to make a sound, a habit he said he acquired during his time with Orochimaru. Ninja senses on high alert, she pulled out the pair of senbon holding her hair in its chignon and crept into the dark.

The sounds of some struggle, muted even in the stillness of the house, drifted out of the open master bedroom door. Worry overcame Sakura, and she cast a genjutsu to hide. If someone had been able to take Sasuke unaware, did she stand a chance against the threat? On stealthy feet, Sakura slid past the entryway and peered into the room.

Sasuke lay on the bed, bent over and braced on elbows and knees. The moonlight, seeping in between the cracks in the shutters, backlit his profile. Naruto leaned over him, one hand curled around Sasuke's shoulder and the other wrapped around Sasuke's erect cock. Sasuke arched his back and slowly impaled himself on Naruto. When Naruto was buried at the hilt, he paused and ran his hand tenderly down Sasuke's spine. With a groan, Naruto pulled out to the tip. Then he thrust powerfully into Sasuke's ass and pulled downward on Sasuke's cock. Sasuke hissed. Naruto's rhythm built in a steady crescendo and Sasuke was the first to cum, falling limply into the mess he made of the sheets. Naruto's hands gripped each side of Sasuke's hips, bruising as he continued to pound into his lover. His movements began to shallow, and with a soft grunt, he emptied himself. Naruto pulled out and fell on his side next to Sasuke. Sasuke kissed him gently, and they fell asleep.

Sakura watched their quiet coupling from the floor, her back leaning heavily against the sturdy base of the guest room doorjamb.

(Her grief came as silent as their love-making.)


	2. contemplation, part one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is now my NaNoWriMo project, so I'm writing and editing much faster than I typically do. This means two things - **one**: updates should come at least weekly for this fic for the foreseeable future, and **two**: I am feeling absolutely, horribly, wretchedly insecure about the quality of this chapter

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; ii ]  
** _ all we know _

**.oOo.**

A sharp rap on her office door startled Sakura into half-consciousness. The lights flipped on, and she groaned in pain. “Dammit, Shizune. Was that really necessary?”

“Yes. Now get your ass up, Sakura.” Shizune snapped her fingers and held out a thick patient file. “You’re needed in the ER. Room 2.”

Sakura rolled to a sitting position and rubbed her bleary, sleep-crusted eyes. Everything hurt. She hadn’t left the hospital for the past five days thanks to the chuunin exam finals. With the remaining participants down to a fraction of what they’d been at the beginning of the month, Sakura thought work would’ve slowed down significantly. She even made plans to catch a match or two with Ino. Oh, how naive she had been! The increasingly dangerous antics of those foolish genin, encouraged by their moronic sensei, had kept the medical staff hopping all week.

Sakura stood and pulled on her coat, glancing at the clock. She’d managed to get about an hour of sleep this time, a significant improvement on the meager ten minutes she’d had this morning. Cracking her neck and knuckles, she grabbed the file from Shizune and strode towards the emergency section of the hospital.

“Give me the rundown.”

“Poisoning victim. Shinobi. Male, age 36.” Shizune frowned. “The symptoms are progressing at an increased rate and, apparently, you’re the foremost expert in dealing with this particular kind of poison. Lady Tsunade told me to retrieve you right away.”

“Got it. So, let’s see–” Sakura flipped open the file and her feet came to a halt. After a second, she closed the file, shoved it into Shizune’s chest, and resumed her march. “You have got to be kidding me. That fucking idiot!”

“Try not to murder him,” Shizune called after Sakura’s retreating figure. “This is a hospital.”

Sakura waved as she turned the corner. “No promises.”

Ignoring protocol, Sakura flung open the exam room’s door without the precursory knock. Inside, three of the four occupants flinched at her abrupt entrance. After taking in her demeanor, those same three – _one of which was her med-nin apprentice, Minami_ – cowered into the corner, staying as far out of her path as possible. The only one nonplussed by her arrival was the patient, who greeted her with a strained but cheerful, “Yo.”

“Shut up and lay still, dumbass.” Chakra coated her hands in a pale green glow as she slowly scanned his body. “God, this is embarrassing. Most senior ranked member and namesake of the fabled _ Team Kakashi _poisoned by a genin. Makes me want to strike my name from the roster.” 

“Now, now, Sakura.” Kakashi raised his hands in weak supplication. “I’m merely an innocent bystander.”

“Put your hands down. I’m not done.” Sakura smacked his arm and shook her head as her chakra continued its assessment. 

Kakashi put up a good front, but the poison had already taken a significant toll on his body. On the outside, his skin was pale and clammy, his pupils dilated, and his fingernails tinged blue. On the inside, his kidneys and liver were in the process of shutting down. Of more significant concern, though, was the fact that the poison had worked its way into his heart. She had a narrow window of time to neutralize the poison before it caused a level of damage unrepairable by chakra. Two hours, maybe less, to save his shinobi career.

Less than twenty-four hours to save his life.

Her scan finished, Sakura’s hands dropped to grip the side rail of Kakashi’s bed. She let herself droop for a count of ten seconds, then she took a deep breath and straightened her spine. She had no time to indulge in feelings of anger or fear. Uncertainty and indecision were killers on the battlefield.

“What’s my prognosis, Doc?”

“I’m not gonna lie. You’re in bad shape, old man, and we’re running against the clock. But luckily for you, I’ve seen this poison before.” Sakura smiled, her sardonic expression leveled at the man in the corner. “Isn’t that right, Kankuro? It’s the one Sasori used to nearly take you out, if I’m not mistaken.”

“Oh, hey, Sakura. Long time, no–”

“Yeah, yeah. It’s good to see you, too, but we don’t have time for this.” Sakura gestured towards Kakashi. “Dying man over here and all.”

“Hey–!”

Kakuro paled. The young girl beside him trembled and grabbed his hand as he answered, “Y-yes, it’s Sasori’s poison.”

“No modifications?”

Kakuro turned the girl. “Suzuki?”

“I–” After a moment’s hesitation, Suzuki stepped forward and looked Sakura in the eye. “All the components are the same, but I reworked the manufacturing process so that the poison has an eight-percent increase in potency over the original variation.”

“Thank you, Suzuki. You’ve been a lot of help. I need you and your sensei to go to the waiting room now.” Sakura knelt down and wiped the tears from Suzuki’s cheeks. “Kakashi will be fine. I promise, okay?” When the girl nodded, Sakura rose and faced Kankuro. “Later, we’ll be having a conversation about the wisdom, or lack thereof, of mixing genin and S-class poisons.”

Kakuro gulped and swiftly escorted his student from the room.

Sakura rolled up her sleeves. “Minami?”

“Yes, Sensei?”

“I need you to retrieve three vials of Antidote NS01-11 and an IV kit. Quickly, please.” Sakura performed a familiar series of hand signs, and four replicas of herself popped into existence. The shadow clones busied themselves with gathering containers of water for the poison removal procedure. “Okay, Kakashi, I need you to strip from the waist up. Including that stupid mask of yours.”

“Your bedside manner could use some work,” Kakashi groused as he attempted to sit up. He only managed to raise his head a couple of inches before he went limp, his breathing labored. “Dammit.”

Two of her clones maneuvered Kakashi into a sitting position. “We got you,” they said in unison as Sakura worked to undress him.

“Just so damn tired.” Kakashi slumped forward when she finished, resting his head in the crook of her shoulder. His words slurred as he lost consciousness. “Didn’t even get to enjoy you disrobing me. Jiraiya would be so...”

Sakura laid him down and, with a good-natured huff of exasperation, began the tedious process of saving his life.

“Damn pervert.”

**.oOo.**

“_Sakura_.”

The tickle of a whisper-soft touch across her forehead brought Sakura to semi-consciousness. Her uncoordinated attempt to swat at the offending object – _ which her sleep-addled brain assumed was an insect of some sort _– ended in Sakura merely smacking herself fully awake. She groaned and pressed a chakra-infused fingertip to the bruise blossoming above her brows. No way was she leaving that for others to see.

“Sakura.”

She sat up, suddenly aware that she was not alone. Nor was she in her office. The stiff muscles and crack of her spine made Sakura assume she’d fallen asleep at her desk. The voice, of course, had been the first clue that she was not where she should be. But there were others as well. The fabric of the hospital-issued blanket wadded in the curl of her fists. The steady beat of the vital monitor. The warmth of another’s body heat soaked into her cheek. The situation was intimate in a way she’d not experienced in several months. If the patient had been anyone else, Sakura would be apologizing for her lack of professionalism right now. Instead, she suppressed a blush of embarrassment and replied, “Kakashi.”

“Do you know you grind your teeth when you sleep?” Kakashi tucked his hands behind his head and crossed his legs, looking nothing like a man who’d been on his deathbed less than a day ago. “And you drool.”

“Shut up.” Sakura punched his shoulder and stood, stretching.

“Ow, Doctor Haruno. That hurt.” He rubbed the sore spot as a smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth. Sakura had seen his bare face plenty of times over the years, but the sight never failed to send a flutter through her insides. Especially when he was playful or mischievous, traits that he rarely indulged in without the cover of his mask. “I think I’ll file a complaint with the hospital.”

“Do that, and there’ll be no one around to save your dumbass next time.” Sakura raised a challenging brow at him as she recorded his vitals. Thankfully, Shizune had his file sent to his room sometime while Sakura was sleeping. Then, she pushed on Kakashi’s chest, making him recline fully, and performed a new chakra scan.

“Did I say complaint? I meant _ compliment_.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Sakura slumped back into the visitor chair and covered her eyes. “Liar.”

The scan was clean, with no poison or residual damage to be found, and the relief overwhelmed her. As a member of Team 7, Kakashi meant a lot to her. Always had. There had been a moment while she worked on him that she wasn’t sure her skills would be enough. The poison had wreaked havoc throughout his body, and Kakashi didn’t have the resilience of youth on his side. If he hadn’t made it, it would have broken some vital place inside her heart. Sakura was sure of it.

“Hey, hey.” Kakashi gestured widely, floundering in the presence of her tears. “Sakura, are you–? Am I–?”

“You’re fine.” Sakura sniffled and wiped her cheeks. “The poison is gone, and all side-effects from it have been neutralized. You’re as healthy as you ever were, old man. You’ll be under observation for twenty-four hours and then released. If all goes well, you’ll be cleared for missions in a week.”

Kakashi went limp, boneless, and tucked his head into the crook of his elbow. As he faced away from her, his chest shuddered, just a second or two. Then it evened out with the motion of his deep, steady breaths. “You’re fucking amazing.” Kakashi took her hand where it lay on the edge of his bed and squeezed. “Thank you.”

“You’re fucking welcome.” Sakura blushed bright pink, this time unable to prevent it, and turned away. “Anytime.”

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; iii ]** **  
** _ chasing down _

**.oOo.**

Wednesdays.

Sakura hated Wednesdays. They used to be okay, just another day of the week. Now they were a reminder of everything she worked so hard to avoid.

_Home._

What a fucking joke.

The home she shared with Sasuke in the Uchiha compound once filled her with a sense of pride and belonging. After years of chasing Sasuke from one battle to the next, her persistence paid off. Sakura married the man of her dreams, and together they would rebuild his clan – one beautiful child at a time. They’d create a family, a place of love where their hearts could finally find rest. Years from now, they’d be old and gray, holding hands while their children and grandchildren surrounded them. That’s what she’d thought, anyway. 

How naive.

Walking through the main street of the compound tonight, all Sakura saw was decay. Peeling paint and broken windows exposed the bones of dilapidated homes, and silence rested heavy on the area. A foreboding sense of death still permeated the atmosphere, the ghosts of the past present in greater number than living souls. The only signs of life were found at the headman's home at the end of the lane – the house Sasuke had taken for himself.

It was dark, as Sakura expected. In the months since Sasuke's release from the hospital, he and Naruto had given her a wide berth. The wounded parts of her heart took a sick satisfaction in it, the way they were afraid of her retribution. Her husband and his lover quickly caught on to her Wednesday routine and let her have it, undisturbed by their presence. It made it easier to pretend.

Because she was.

The chuunin exams afforded her cover. Few medics went home every night during those two injury-filled months, and Sakura was a known workaholic. The futon in her office and the scarcity of her visits home had yet to raise suspicions. But they would soon. Shinobi were an observant and gossipy lot, and she was surrounded by them.

Sakura lingered outside, surveying the flowerbeds in front of the house. Ino helped her plant them the month Sakura moved in. Primrose for love. Peonies for riches and honor. Azaleas for harmony and happiness. They'd been well-tended in her absence, either by Sasuke or a hired hand. Sakura plucked a pink peony and crushed it in her hand. Rubbing her knuckles over a sudden pain in her chest, she dropped the mangled flower on the threshold as she passed through the doorway.

Kicking off her sandals, Sakura tossed her keys on the table as she passed through the house. The laundry room was, in fact, its own small building, situated in the far east corner of the manor’s large backyard. A tall wooden fence separated it from the rest of the landscape on three sides, no doubt to keep guests from spying any unmentionables or the servants responsible for cleaning them. Once, Sakura had been enamored by its opulence. Now, the trek outside merely proved to be a pain in her ass.

Sakura shrugged off her heavy rucksack and shoved her dirty clothes and linens into the washer. With a disgusted scrunch of her nose, she added the soap and fabric softener to their designated trays and turned the water temperature to cold. She knew she should separate the large load into smaller, color-coordinated ones, but she had no desire to prolong her visit. If her reds bled into her whites, so be it.

Waiting for the laundry to finish was the hardest part of her Wednesday routine. Thirty minutes for the wash cycle. Seventy minutes for the dry cycle. A total of one-hundred minutes for her to waste in a house full of tainted memories. 

The first night she came back, she'd been treated to a Sasuke-Naruto fuckfest. The second time, the house had been empty, and she'd celebrated by grabbing a beer and plopping on the sofa. Halfway through the newest episode of _ The Young and the Deadly,_ Sakura caught her thumb on a foreign substance crusted over the fabric of her seat. A chakra scan revealed it to be dried semen. After that, she stuck to the laundry room – _ which she knew Sasuke never used _ – and the guest room she'd appropriated. She refused to discover what other surfaces her husband fornicated on.

Sakura trudged down the hallway, glaring at Sasuke's open door. He wasn't there, of course. Just an empty bed with rumpled, sex-scented sheets and dirty clothes on the floor. She could still see them, their moonlit silhouettes contorted in ecstasy. The sight burned through the pathways of her brain, like a brand. She flashed a rude gesture at the door and turned away, intent on reading a book in the sanctity of her room.

Something made her pause, hand halfway to the doorknob.

A sealed scroll, pierced by a deeply embedded kunai, hung from her door. Sakura yanked out the kunai, and splinters of wood flew through the air with the force of the action. A short series of hand signs released the seal, revealing Sasuke's precise penmanship.

_ Your discretion has been appreciated. _

_ Though it matters little to me,  
_ _ we both know its importance for Naruto. _

_ He is destined for great things. _

_ If full disclosure of our current situation were to reach the wrong people,  
_ _ it could sabotage the dreams he holds dear. _

_ I will continue to take any punishment you deem fit. _

_ I also will protect him with every resource at my command. _

_ I do not wish to be your enemy. _

The force of Sakura's reactionary punch obliterated both the door and its frame. The chakra-charged kunai sent flying into the master bedroom did nearly as much damage to Sasuke’s headboard. With the scroll crumpled in her fist, Sakura marched outside and threw her sodden, half-clean laundry back in her rucksack. On her way through the kitchen, she grabbed her keys. When she neared the front door, she stopped. A maniacal chuckle escaped her, and she backtracked to the kitchen. After rifling through the cabinets and tossing their contents to the floor, Sakura found what she sought: a bottle of unopened wine with a date on the label. It was a gift, meant to be shared with Sasuke on their fifth anniversary as a couple.

_ Not even halfway there, and he'd managed to screw her over. _

She stood on the porch, seething, and the scent of flowers swirled around her. Casting her most precise ground-based jutsu, she crushed every plant in the garden and buried them six-feet under. 

Then Sakura uncorked the wine with her teeth and took a long draught as she walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, we get some Kakashi! There should be plenty more of him in the future, too, especially since I expanded my original outline for this fic so that it could be my NaNoWriMo project. We're looking at approximately 50,000 words of angst and smut when all said and done. The kakasaku is going to a very slow burn, but there'll be some other dark, twisted encounters to keep things lively until then.
> 
> Also, if anyone reading this is versed in the language of flowers or is a gardener, I apologize for what I'm sure was a horrible mangling of flower craft in the last section of this chapter. Honestly, I just googled it and skimmed the first blog that came up. If I need to correct anything, let me know.


	3. contemplation, part two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NaNoWriMo is kicking my butt. I haven't written this much this fast in a really, really long time. Thank you to everyone who's been leaving reviews! I've gotten a lot of anonymous hate on this story on ff.net (which I've deleted), so the positive comments have been so important to me. I'm grateful for everyone's support. I hope you enjoy this chapter - I worked really hard to get it out!

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; iv ]**  
_ chasing down__  
_ _ (continued) _

**.oOo.**

“Are you trying to be a lush like your mentor?”

“Oh, they called _ you_.” Sakura lifted her head from the bar counter, managing to only wobble slightly on her stool. Sakura glared at the bartender who’d been hovering over her. “Thanks a lot, Shigure.”

“Yeah, _ Hakuto _called me.” Ino gave the man a nod and a wry smile, and he stepped away, saluting Ino as he went. Then she gestured to either side of Sakura. “You’re scaring their patrons off and drinking your own booze. It’s Friday night, and you’re single-handedly tanking their profits.”

Looking around to see what Ino pointed at made Sakura dizzy. She folded her arms around her wine and dropped her head onto the pillow they made. “Thought it seemed kinda quiet in here.”

“You’ve been growling at every man that came within fifteen feet of you.” Ino bristled when Sakura’s only response was a shrug. “Dammit, how much of that did you drink?” Ino snatched the bottle, ignoring Sakura’s yelp of protest. “Awesome. It’s empty. God, how are you not slurring right now?”

“Training.” Sakura rolled her eyes and instantly regretted it. When her head stopped spinning, she added, “You should try it sometime. Maybe you wouldn’t be such a lightweight.”

“Ugh, shut up. What would have possessed you to drink that mu–?” Ino caught a glimpse of the bottle’s label and froze. She slipped onto the stool next to Sakura, her eyes soft with worry. “Shit, Forehead. What happened?”

Sakura buried her head in her arms, hiding her face. “Don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Oh, you’re gonna talk about it. You’ve been ghosting me since the chuunin exams, and I still came to pick up your drunk ass. I deserve that much, at least.” Ino sighed and handed the bottle off to Hakuto to be trashed. “It can wait until we get you home, though.”

Sakura grabbed Ino’s forearm, her grip bruising. “Not home. I wanna go to my office.”

“Ow, dammit. Let go of me,” Ino said as she pried off Sakura’s fingers. “You’re in no condition to work. You need to go–”

Sakura sat up and crossed her arms, her jaw clenched in stubborn determination. She shook her head vehemently. “I’m not going home, Pig.”

Then the world tilted on its axis, dumping Sakura off her stool and onto the dirty barroom parquet. After a moment of stunned silence, laughter poured out of Sakura as she rubbed her sore ass. She curled her legs underneath her and tried to squelch her hysteria, but failed miserably. Her laughter devolved into a mess of tears and hiccups and shaky limbs.

“Well, shit. I’m gonna have to call for backup.” Ino took a deep breath and pasted on her most winning smile. “Hey, Hakuto! Can I borrow your phone?”

**.oOo.**

Consciousness seeped into Sakura, and she became dimly aware of a couple of things. Her head felt thick and fuzzy, a sign which, considering her high tolerance for alcohol, meant she’d gotten plastered. The edge of queasiness coursing through her insides confirmed it. Sakura also remembered Ino making a snide comment about backup, which explained the jostling and strange floaty state of her body. Ino found someone to carry her home.

_ Home._

Sakura’s breath stuttered as panic filtered in. Cautiously, she opened her eyes. Black hair, pale skin, and a masculine jawline filled her vision. Loathing burned through her veins like a fire, consuming the kindling of other, lesser emotions. It was a challenge in her inebriated state, but Sakura trickled chakra into her hands and prepared to fight.

“Oh, look, Ino. She’s awake.” The man adjusted his grip on her thighs. “If you vomit on me, Hag, I will drop you.”

Sakura dispersed her chakra and slumped against Sai’s back. Relief washed over her, dousing her wrath. “Where are you taking me?”

“The hospital, as requested.” Ino flipped her ponytail over her shoulder and gave Sakura a dirty look. “We’ll be there in ten minutes.”

“Ino wouldn’t let me use my super beast scroll. She said you’d rain vomit over the village if we flew.”

“She’s probably right.” Sakura groaned and closed her eyes, pressing her forehead to Sai’s shoulder. “Don’t feel so good.”

“Stop wiggling. You’re heavy.” Sai shifted his hold again. “Very heavy. Ino is lighter than you.”

“That’s rude!”

Ino chuckled and pressed a hand to Sai’s elbow. “Yeah, but it’s true.”

“I hate you both.” Sakura pouted. It was childish, she knew. But at the moment, drunk and half-numb to the reality of her life, she didn’t care. “Wait… how do you know how heavy Ino is?”

“I had to hold her up when we had sex against her front door tonight.”

Ino’s grip on his arm tightened. “Sai, I swear if you say one more word–”

“How the hell did that happen?” Sakura screeched over Ino’s threat. “Since when have you two been dating... or whatever the fuck this is?”

“Your volume is inappropriate for this time of night… and painful.” Sai rubbed his ear, letting Sakura dangle precariously to one side, before righting her and answering her first question. “We partially undressed as we did what my latest book on dating referred to as _making out._ Then I picked Ino up by the backs of her thighs and inserted my penis in her–”

Sakura slapped her hands over Sai’s mouth and spoke into his ear. “For the love of all that is good in this world, do not finish that sentence. In fact, don’t say anything until we get to my office.”

“Oh. My. God. If that book doesn’t have a chapter dedicated to post-coital etiquette, we’re going to the library tomorrow to find one that does. Just… shit.” Ino flushed red, bright enough to be visible under the weak light of the street lamps. “We’ve been dating for three weeks. Which you would know if you hadn’t been avoiding me.”

“Sorry,” Sakura mumbled into the cool evening air.

Ino deflated, her defensive posture melting in the face of Sakura’s contrition, and gave a non-committal wave. “Whatever.”

**.oOo.**

Silence reigned over the group until they arrived outside the hospital.

“So, how do you want to do this?” Ino frowned. “Probably not a good idea to let your staff see Sai carrying your drunk ass inside. You’re a real mess right now.” Ino pushed a piece of hair out of Sakura’s face and tucked it behind her ear. “You could come to my house, you know?”

Ino’s offer sent a flood of gratitude through Sakura, and the intensity of the emotion watered her eyes. It felt like ages since anyone had made her feel loved, even platonically. This tiny scrap of kindness threatened to be her undoing. 

Some of the responsibility rested on her own shoulders. Since her life turned upside-down, she’d been holding everyone at arm’s length — an involuntary defensive mechanism. Under her violent, angry armor, she felt raw and exposed. Vulnerable. She wasn’t ready to open up, to spill the entirety of guts. After all that had happened, her heart rebelled against the notion. It wasn’t safe, not yet. Not even with Ino.

“Thanks, but I’ll pass,” Sakura said, her cheeky tone displacing her unshed tears. “I’m not coming to your house until the front door has been replaced.”

"Don't be an inconsiderate friend, Hag. Ino cannot afford to replace every surface at her apartment we've had sex on."

"Dammit, Sai! Sakura and I both told you to shut up about that."

"Gross. Now I can never go to Ino's house." Sakura grimaced and smacked his shoulder. "Just put me down. I'm gonna walk."

Sai dropped his arms, and Sakura fell butt first onto the concrete, landing in an inelegant sprawl. Sakura didn’t move, trying to regain her equilibrium. “God… why would you do that?”

“You’re a kunoichi. Your reflexes should have accounted for my action, even drunk as you are.” Sai grabbed one of Sakura’s arms while Ino took hold of the other, and they worked together to pull Sakura to her feet. “You require more training.”

“Asshole.”

“How do you feel?” Ino asked, eyeing Sakura skeptically. “Can you walk without stumbling?” Sakura took a few steps forward, her muscles shaky but her steps sure, and Ino nodded. “Okay, we can work with this. When we get inside, keep the wall on your right, and I’ll walk on your left. That should keep you straight enough to avoid drawing attention. I’ve got her from here, Sai.”

“We have a date tomorrow. Do not forget.” Sai pressed a kiss to Ino’s cheek, then turned to Sakura. “I hope you don’t vomit anywhere inappropriate.”

“God, Sai. What a sentiment.” Sakura smiled and resisted the urge to shake her head and laugh. She didn’t need to set off a fresh dizzy spell. “Thank you… for lugging my heavy ass across the village.”

Sai smiled back, a genuine expression that crinkled the corners of his eyes. “Of course. That’s what friends are for.”

**.oOo.**

The walk to her office passed in a blur of white walls and whispers. The whispers were all Ino’s, correcting Sakura’s path as she escorted her through the maze of hallways. As far as Sakura knew, no one saw them. They didn’t encounter anyone, staff or otherwise.

Her keyring felt strange in her hands, and she fumbled it as she attempted to unlock the door. Ino picked it off the floor, cursing quietly, and took over. Ino wasn’t familiar with Sakura’s various keys, so she struggled as much as Sakura, though with significantly less noise. When the door pushed open, they both rushed inside, giggling with relief.

Sakura walked a crooked line to her futon and flopped upon it in a graceless heap. Ino sat down beside her, pulling Sakura’s legs into her lap. Her shrewd gaze took in the details of the room as she removed Sakura’s boots and stowed them under the futon’s convertible frame. After she shoved Sakura's bare feet to the side, Ino played with the fringe of a sleep-worn throw pillow, her mouth a thin, tense line.

Rolling onto her side, Sakura tried to ignore Ino's observant eyes. For someone who knew to look, there was a lot of damning evidence strewn about the room. Extra clothes hanging from her coat rack. Toothbrush on the bathroom sink. A literal bed taking up precious footage in her professional space. Sakura kept it set in the sofa position in hopes that it would escape the notice of her coworkers, but Ino knew her better than they did. She'd see right through any lies Sakura tried to tell.

“Sakura,” Ino said, her voice clipped and quiet, “why are you living in your office?”

Sakura pulled her knees into her chest and wrapped her arms around them. The pressure soothed her nausea and insecurity as she cocooned herself within the protective ball of her own body. “I don’t wanna be at home,” Sakura whispered. “I feel… unwanted there.” 

“Unwanted? I don’t–” Confusion flitted across Ino’s face. “But you guys are so in love. Like, relationship goals. You’ve been there for him through, like… everything. And he– I mean, he came back to the village for you, right?” Ino shook Sakura gently by the shoulder when she didn’t respond. “Talk to me, Forehead.”

“I thought so, too… once.” Sakura swallowed the jagged lump in her throat and sat up. She finally understood why people said the truth hurts. Speaking aloud, her honesty pierced the places in her soul where lies had taken up residence. They’d been there so long Sakura had assimilated them, let them become a part of her. Killing them cost her dearly, a sacrifice of pride. 

But, Sakura also realized, freedom came from the sacrifice. 

“I think– I think I made a mistake.” Across the room, the bathroom door stood open, and Sakura made her confession to her reflection in the vanity mirror. “When we were young, Sasuke was like a dream – a beautiful fantasy. We all thought so, remember? Then he and I became teammates, and it felt like I could make it real. I just had to try hard enough. If I were good enough and pretty enough and strong enough, he’d choose me. So chased after that dream – of Sasuke and me – with everything in me. He insulted me, and I chased him. He left, and I chased him. He tried to kill me, and still I chased him. Every time I thought of giving up, he gave me some breadcrumb of kindness, and it would fuel the chase again. 

“I think, eventually, Sasuke got tired of running. I think he realized he had more enemies than allies. I think he knew he needed someone to rebuild his clan, and I was willing and comfortable, so he let me catch him. And I think,” Sakura turned to Ino with damp cheeks, “I think I mistook obsession for love and trapped myself in a lie.”

“Hey, hey, hey. Listen to me. It’s gonna be okay.” Ino pulled Sakura to her, forehead to forehead, and brushed away her tears. “I know you’re still a little drunk, but I want you to really think about it. Are you sure that Sasuke married you just to rebuild his clan? I mean, did he come right out and say it?”

Sakura shook her head.

“Did something happen?”

A whine caught at the back of Sakura’s throat, but she couldn’t force the words out. Her stomach flipped at the mere thought of putting words to the form of Sasuke and Naruto’s betrayal. Ino held her gaze, her blue eyes urging Sakura on. Sakura twitched, a jerky half-nod of confirmation.

“God, I’m going to hurt him,” Ino said, a quiet promise, as she buried her fists in her lap. “What did Naruto say? Did you tell him yet?”

Every muscle in Sakura’s body tensed. She hurt. Oh, god, she hurt. Like her cells decided spontaneous combustion was preferable to acknowledging Ino’s question. Like her soul was rejecting reality. Like the pieces of her heart had been smashed to bits all over again. Sakura leaned forward as the stress coiled tighter around her insides.

Then she vomited on Ino’s shoes.

Ino’s eyes went wide, and she stood up like a bolt. She took several steadying breaths. Then she gingerly unstrapped her sandals and stepped out of them. “I’ll be right back. You can keep those.”

While Ino washed up, Sakura wrapped herself up in a blanket and feigned sleep. Ino would expect more information when she returned – information Sakura wasn’t ready to give; she’d reached the limit of her honesty for the day. Avoidance, rather than battle, seemed the better tactic for the situation.

Ino reentered the room and released an audible sigh. A few seconds later, Sakura felt Ino tuck the blanket under her chin and kiss her cheek. As she hovered close, Ino whispered, “I’m here whenever you’re ready, okay?” 

Then she walked out, barefoot, and left the mess for Sakura to clean up.

Sakura waited until she heard the door close before she wiped Ino’s tears from her face.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; v ]  
** _ wounded souls _

**.oOo.**

Sakura sensed the presence before she saw anyone.

It was her day off, and she wandered the market in search of fresh air and bargains. As she stopped at a fragrance stall, trying on lotions and smelling perfumes, her skin prickled, raising the fine hairs on her neck. Sakura discreetly surveyed her surroundings but found nothing amiss. She moved on.

Sakura felt it again as she perused the racks of her favorite clothing shop. Goosebumps formed on her arms and traveled across her shoulders as the weight of a steady gaze pressed down on her back. This time it was unmistakable. 

She was being followed.

Whoever it was, they were experienced. They’d masked their chakra completely, to the point that Sakura briefly thought they might be a civilian. Their skill at avoiding visual detection, though, ruled that out. She was dealing with someone highly trained — definitely a shinobi.

Drifting to the outer edge of the shops, Sakura kept her pace casual and her body language loose. No sense in tipping them off before she was ready for a confrontation. The market was busy, and Sakura didn’t want to inadvertently injure any civilians. As she lured them away from the village center, Sakura took inventory. She never left home without a weapon, but she was far from well-equipped. A pair of senbon in her hair, a kunai strapped under her sundress, and her fists were the extent of the tools she had at hand. If things got dicey, she’d be at a definite disadvantage.

She continued her lazy trek to the outskirts, on course for the training grounds. Without the crowds to confuse her senses, Sakura picked up on a faint trace of chakra. Not enough to decipher a possible identity, but now she could track their movements. Stepping off the road and into the forest, she stretched her arms over her head, keeping up her pretense. Then Sakura made her move.

In a flash-step, her kunai pressed against the exposed throat of her stalker.

“Umm, hey, Sakura,” came a familiar voice, accompanied by hands raised in surrender. “Can we talk?”

Sakura dropped the kunai and shoved her hands into his back, propelling him into a nearby tree. “I’ve got nothing to say to you, Naruto. Leave me the fuck alone.”

Naruto picked himself off the forest floor, brushing splinters from his jacket. “I deserved that.”

“You deserve a lot more than that.” Sakura narrowed her eyes and let her chakra envelop her hands, crackling and angry. “But what you don’t deserve is my time, so I’ll say it one more time. Fuck off.”

“It’s been months, Sakura. We–”

“So, what exactly, Naruto? You think it’s been long enough? I should be over it now, huh? Like we fought over something stupid like who had to pay the Ichiraku’s bill. You’re fucking my husband, and I caught you. I fucking caught you. Twice, Naruto. Fucking twice!” Sakura’s voice rumbled in her chest, low and threatening at first. With every word, it rose, buoyed by the emotions she’d shoved away until it became a shrill scream. 

“You were supposed to be my best friend. You were supposed to have my back. Instead, you shoved a knife in it! You’re a fucking traitor just like him, and no amount of time will ever make that right.” Pulling her fist back, Sakura swung with all her might. She stopped a hair’s breadth away from his face. “If I see you again, I will send you to the hospital.”

Naruto didn’t flinch, didn’t make any attempts to defend himself. He simply stared down her fist with wet eyes. “You’re right. I’ve been a bastard, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I’ll do my best to stay out of your way since that’s what you want.”

Naruto took one step backward, away from Sakura’s fist, then turned around and walked away.

Sakura fell to her knees and slammed her fists into the ground. The thunder of broken earth covered the sound of her cry. When the dirt settled and her anguish had not been satisfied, she turned to the trees. At sunset, covered in sawdust and sweat, Sakura ceased her assault. Her grief was spent for the moment. 

She sat in the crater she’d created and watched the moon rise, one question pounding painfully against the inside of her skull.

_ (What right did he have to look like he was the one hurting?)_

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; vi ]****  
** _ the silver linings__  
_ _ part one _

**.oOo.** _  
_

Sakura sat at her desk, her chin resting in the cradle of one of her hands. Her fingers slid back and forth, smooshing and tugging at her cheeks in a languid rhythm. It was late, and Sakura had a mountain of paperwork to finish before she could go to sleep. But it was so damn dull. She’d already nodded off a half-dozen times. A trip to the pharmacy for a soldier pill had become a serious consideration.

Flexing her arms and stomping her feet to get her blood flowing, Sakura started on the next file in her stack. Only fifteen more to go, then she could run to the waiting arms of her lumpy futon. God, it sounded like bliss. It’d been a hard week, personally and professionally, and she looked forward to the reprieve of a good night’s rest.

A knock on the door made her curse, her hopes of sweet dreams dashed by whoever stood outside. At this rate, she’d be working through most of the night. With a long-suffering sigh, Sakura called out, “Come in.”

Kakashi sauntered in, hands in pockets, and sprawled across her futon as if it were his own.

Sakura dropped her pen and sat back in her chair, entertained by his audacity. “This is a surprise.”

“Is it?” He fluffed the throw pillow and shoved it under his head. “I thought you’d be expecting me. We have an appointment.”

“We had an appointment. Three days ago.” Sakura crossed her arms, her eyebrows raised in challenge. “You’ll have to reschedule during business hours.”

“Come on, Sakura,” Kakashi coaxed. “I’m here. You’re here. We both know it’ll only take a few minutes.” When she didn’t budge, he continued. “If you don’t do it now, Tsunade’s just gonna make you track me down later. You know how I hate hospitals. It might be difficult to get me back here.”

“Don’t threaten me, old man.” Sakura huffed and gave him a dirty look, exhaustion evident in her expression. “I don’t have your file, and I’m not walking down to the patient records office to get it.”

A smile crinkled the corners of his eyes. “You don’t have to. My file is the one at the bottom of your pile. Lucky us.”

She grabbed the thick manilla folder and opened it. “Dammit. How’d you–?”

“The tape holding it together.”

“Fine.” Admitting defeat, Sakura rolled her chair across the room and came to a stop at the edge of her bed. The sooner she finished his check-up, the sooner she could kick him out and get some rest. “But if you don’t stay still for the scan, I’m kicking your ass out and making you an appointment with Shizune.”

Kakashi adjusted so that he lay completely flat and still. “I’ll be good. Promise.”

The scan took less than sixty seconds and came back clean. Sakura pressed the balls of her feet into the floor, preparing to roll herself back to her desk, but he stopped her. His gloved hand curled around her wrist, the leather rough against her soft skin. “Kakashi, what–?”

“How long, Sakura?” His playful pretense left, replaced by a terse kind of seriousness. “How long have they been sleeping together?”

Sakura’s eyes widened, and she tried to pull away. For a second, Kakashi’s grip remained firm. But when she tugged a second time, he let go. “Sorry.”

“How did you–?”

“I’ve been a shinobi for a long time.” Kakashi sat up and rubbed the back of his neck. “It wasn’t hard to put it together. Sasuke’s supposed training accident. Rumors that the head of the Konoha ER department is living in her office. The lack of scheduled team dinners for me to avoid.” He leaned forward, elbows pressed into the tops of his thighs, and looked her in the eye. “The homo-erotic undercurrent in their relationship that’s been there since their genin days.”

Sakura studied her hands as they lay in her lap, picking at a torn cuticle. “That obvious, huh?”

“Ino might have also come to see me. What she had to say clarified some things.”

“Oh, god.” Sakura’s breath stilled. “Does she know?”

“Her suspicions aren’t even close. Relax.” Kakashi shifted so he could meet her downward gaze. “She’s worried, though.”

Sakura nodded, not knowing what to say.

“Want to talk about it?”

Her head popped up, shocked. “You want to listen to me talk about this?”

“I’d like to be a better friend than I was a sensei.”

“Okay.” 

Something about the earnest way he looked at her then, an unexpected openness of expression, shifted something inside her. If he – Kakashi, the copy ninja and the very definition of aloof – could be vulnerable with her, she could take a chance on him. Sakura sat next to him on the futon, kicking her chair back towards her desk. It knocked over her trash can, spilling crumpled papers and convenience store leftovers, but neither of them seemed to notice. She mirrored Kakashi’s posture, elbows on knees and head facing down, and began.

“Seventy-two days before the chuunin exams, I came home from work to the sight of Naruto sucking Sasuke’s cock at the kitchen table. It didn’t even seem real, you know? I spent the next month in shock, sleeping in the guest room. Then those two idiots tried to explain themselves. Well, Sasuke did. Naruto, for once, kept his mouth shut. And I– I saw red.”

“Sasuke’s training accident.”

“Yeah.” Sakura gathered her thoughts and continued. “After that, I found any excuse I could to stay at work. It wasn’t hard, not with all the teams gearing up for the exams. I bought this thing,” she patted the edge of the mattress, “and told anyone who asked it was so I could rest between double shifts. It made it easier, not being there. I still did my laundry at home, though. Didn’t want to waste my money at the laundromat. That’s how I caught them the second time, fucking in my bed.” Sakura shook her head and laughed, the sound sharp like broken glass. “I watched them and thought, _what about me isn’t enough_? Then I grabbed whatever I needed to live at the office, and here I am.”

Kakashi’s warm, heavy hand wrapped around her shoulder and gently squeezed. “Damn.”

Sakura looked at him through damp eyelashes. She’d managed to stay steady during her retelling, but Kakashi’s gesture of support touched her more deeply than she expected. “You don’t have to worry about me. I’m gonna be okay.”

“What are you going to do about them?”

Sakura sighed and leaned back. “I’m still working that out.”

“I’m surprised you haven’t already filed for divorce,” Kakashi said, a cutting edge to the inflection of his statement.

“There are some… complications that I’m not ready to discuss.”

“Fair enough.” He reclined as well, the fabric of their shirts brushing against each other. “Have you read any of the _ Icha Icha _ series?”

“Wait… what?” Sakura’s head spun from the whiplash of their conversation’s sudden change in trajectory. “I– well, no. I haven’t. Why?”

“You need a hobby. Something to bring you enjoyment in the face of all this adversity.”

“And you’re suggesting, what? That I read porn?” Sakura ran a hand down her face. “Damn. Do I seem that desperate?”

“I was suggesting,” Kakashi said, a twinge of mock offense to his tone, “that we start a book club. But if you don’t want to...”

Sakura stared, slack-jawed, as incredulous wonder filled her up. Her heart warmed at the idea of his offer. He rarely initiated social contact. Never had, as far as she knew. But he had for her.

Kakashi shifted uncomfortably under the attention, and after a few more seconds, he stood. Panicked, Sakura blurted out, “I want to!”

He coughed into his hand, clearing his throat, and nodded. “I’ll send you a copy of the first one.” Then he pointed at the stack on her desk. “Make your apprentice finish that.”

“Dammit, why didn’t I think of that?”

“Because you’re not a lazy ass like me.” Kakashi gave her a wave and started to leave. He paused when he reached the door. With his back facing her, he said, “You’re enough, Sakura. Don’t ever question that.”


	4. preparation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Edited A/N (11/1/2020):** After receiving a comment from a distressed reader, I have decided to update my notes and warnings for this chapter. 
> 
> This story is a difficult read that deals with many dark or uncomfortable issues. It is not for the faint of heart. And this chapter goes straight to the dark heart of Sakura's dilemma. 
> 
> The last section of this chapter - _all young dreams_ \- contains explicit sexual content which may trigger a strong emotional response. While I, as the writer, believe it falls within consensual parameters, some of you may read it differently. If content of a dub-con or non-con nature unsettles you in any way, I encourage you to skip this section of the story. The next chapter gives enough non-specific information about the event to understand the plotline.
> 
> Updated chapter-specific warnings: BDSM elements, Dub-con

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; vii ]** **  
** _ these roads were paved _ _  
_ _ part one _

**.oOo.**

There was a package on her desk.

A small package, wrapped in pale pink paper and tied up with a piece of twine.

The sight froze Sakura mid-action, one arm half-removed from her lab coat sleeve. She eyed it with suspicion. It wasn’t her birthday or any other meaningful gift-giving date. There was no good reason she could think of for a present to be sitting on her desk – and looking like that, it had to be a gift. She turned her back on it, hanging up her coat. Then Sakura sat down and glared at the thing. If Naruto thought he could buy her forgiveness, she was going to rip him a new asshole. With a scoff, she flicked it to the side with her pen.

The movement shifted something on the package, and her attention zeroed in on it. There was a folded note tucked under the tightly tied bow, with her name scrawled across the front of it. The handwriting seemed familiar –_ light and elegant, in a chaotic sort of way _ – but she couldn’t connect it to a face. It definitely did not belong to Naruto, though. Curious, Sakura slipped the note out.

Its contents were brief, but they left Sakura beaming.

_ Sakura, _

_ Here’s book one, Icha Icha Paradise, as promised. Read whatever you have time for. Book club meets at my residence, Fridays at 8 pm. I’ll provide the snacks, you provide the conversation. And by that, I mean unadulterated praise for the best novel series of all time. _

_ Seriously, I expect to hear lavish gushing and delightful squealing, or I’m calling the whole thing off. _

_ Bring your laundry. _

_ Kakashi _

**.oOo.**

Sakura stood on Kakashi’s doorstep, rucksack on her back and holding the book, nervous. 

She’d been to his home before, of course. It’d been years ago, just after the war, as a part of Team Kakashi. Sakura had spent the night doing what she could to prevent a fight between Sai and Sasuke and had barely talked to Kakashi at all. She hadn’t been back since then. In fact, she had spent little quality time with Kakashi over the years, alone or otherwise. Sure, they had a natural camaraderie built through years of teamwork on the battlefield. But that didn't mean they were regulars in each others' social circles. Changing that dynamic came with a fair bit of trepidation. But there was also something about the idea that excited her. She closed her eyes and ran her thumb over the folded paper in her pocket.

Then Sakura knocked.

“Come in! I’m in the kitchen!”

Sakura opened the door and peered around it before she stepped inside. Not much had changed since the one time she’d been there. His furniture had the same broken-in yet well cared for esthetic, though his sofa looked like it might be different. The wall of bookshelves in the living room had grown, but still boasted a carefully curated collection of romance novels, erotica, and potted cacti. He still favored the soothing neutral palette of pale gray on brisk white across the entirety of the open floor plan; what his room looked like, she had no idea. Eight dog beds, of various sizes, still lined the wall opposite the bookshelves. In a word, Kakashi’s home was comfortable.

“Good. You brought your laundry. The washer and dryer are in that closet.” Kakashi pointed at an accordion-style door in the hallway. “Do you need soap or softener?”

“Oh, no! It’s fine, really. I remembered my own… but, thank you,” Sakura said as she loaded her clothes, trying to keep her uncertainty from coloring her inflection. The last thing she wanted was to make him feel like his overture of friendship was unwelcome. “No ninken tonight?”

“Pakkun said they didn’t want to be a distraction.”

“That’s too bad. I was hoping to see them.” Sakura brushed her hands off on her shorts and sniffed the air. “Hey, do I smell okonomiyaki?”

“Don’t be too impressed – it’s takeout.” He walked towards the sofa holding two containers and chopsticks and gestured for her to follow. “I cook about as well as you do.”

“Jerk.”

“Now, now, Sakura, don’t get mad. The soldier pills you gave me for my birthday were quite effective, and they’ve gotten me out of a pinch on several occasions.” Kakashi set the food on the coffee table, next to a steaming pot of tea and two cups. “But even you have to admit, they tasted horrible. Like–”

“The way belly-button lint smells?”

Kakashi grinned under his mask, evident by the crinkling of his eyes. “Actually… yeah, that’s it.”

Sakura burst out in laughter, her nervous energy conquered by the flow of conversation. “God, they were awful. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. It was a nice thought,” he said as he poured tea for them both. When he finished, Kakashi grabbed one of the takeout containers and settled into a corner of the sofa. “How far did you get?”

“About a third of the way, I think. Maybe the end of chapter five?” Sakura flipped through the pages, looking for the ribbon she used to mark her place. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here it is. I made it to the end of chapter six, where Misaki is sent on her first seduction mission.”

“What do you think so far?”

Sakura set down the book on the table, safely away from her cup of tea, and picked up her food. Tucking her feet beneath her, she made herself comfortable on the sofa, opposite Kakashi. She could feel the anticipation roll off of him. Tension ran through him in spite of his casual posture, bringing definition to the lean muscles of his forearms and fingers. As he picked at his meal, feigning focused interest in it, he watched her in his periphery. Sakura took a bite and pretended to ponder his question.

“Well… when I read the summary on the back, I thought the premise sounded ridiculous. Like something a hormonal thirteen-year-old would write to jack off to. But,” Sakura paused for dramatic effect, enjoying the way Kakashi’s ears flushed red, “by the time I finished the first chapter, I understood why it would appeal to so many people. I was surprised by how much subtlety and nuance are woven into the story. Especially when I consider who wrote it.”

Kakashi held her gaze. “Does it appeal to you?”

There was something in the way he looked at her then that made her feel like he was asking about more than the book. Her breath caught in her throat, but she answered honestly. “Yeah. I think I’d like to read the whole series.”

“Good.” The strange tension left, and Kakashi finally pulled down his mask, taking a bite of his meal. “I was afraid I’d have to kick you out of book club.”

Sakura grinned. “But I’m the only other member.”

“Exactly.” Kakashi swung his feet onto the sofa, his toes almost touching her legs, and gave her his full attention. “Tell me what you liked. In detail. I wasn’t joking when I said I expected gushing.”

"Don't worry," Sakura said, patting his ankle. "I came prepared."

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; viii ]  
** _ the golden song  
_ _ part one _

**.oOo.**

It was a slow day in the emergency department, so Sakura took her opportunity and ran. Literally. After pawning her paperwork off on Minami, she informed Shizune that she’d be in her office if anything came in that her staff couldn’t handle. Then she sped away before anyone or anything could stop her.

She had a book to finish, dammit.

Sakura grabbed a water bottle from the newest addition to her office – a mini-fridge – and sat at her desk. The futon, with its cozy blanket and pillows, called to her. But technically, she was still on the clock, and she wanted the plausible deniability that being in a designated workspace could afford. The last thing she needed was her staff spreading rumors that she skipped work to read porn. 

(Which totally was not true. Calling _ Icha Icha Paradise _porn was akin to saying Pakkun was simply a dog; the statement was inaccurate and incomplete. She skipped work to read a damn romantic masterpiece.)

Sakura lost track of time, enthralled by the misadventures of Misaki and her lover, Yusuke.

“Sakura, are you even listening to me?”

Sakura looked up. “Oh, hey, Ino. What are you doing here?”

“What am I doing here? What do you mean, _ what am I _ –?” Ino sputtered, flushed pink. “You forgot. God, Forehead, I can’t believe you forgot. We just talked about this a couple of days ago. Our standing date for Tuesday lunch?” Ino plopped a plastic shopping bag on a clear section of Sakura’s desk. “I even got the yakitori you like so much from that vendor on the other side of the village. Pain in my ass.”

“I didn’t forget. I just didn’t realize it was Tuesday. Working here has a way of making you lose track of days.” Sakura marked her place and stashed the book in her desk. “Do you want to sit here or on my sofa?”

“Sofa? Is that what you’re calling your bed now?”

“Shut up.” Sakura spun in her chair, retrieving a pair of drinks from the fridge as she asked, “Here or there?”

“Here is fine.” Ino pulled the visitor chair closer before she sat and divvied up the food.

“I’m fucking starving.” Sakura grabbed her portion and tore off a bite, moaning. “This is amazing. Thank you, Pig.”

“Whatever,” Ino said, waving off Sakura’s gratitude. “It’s your turn next week. You better remember.”

“I will.” When Ino pinned her with a disbelieving stare, Sakura said, “I will, okay? I promise. So… how’s Sai?”

Ino grinned as she picked at her skewer. “Well, the sex is fantastic. He’s fit, even by anbu standards. You’ve seen his abs – I mean, everyone’s seen his abs – so I’m sure you can imagine. And, god, he’s so flexible. The things he can do…” Ino twirled a finger around the end of her ponytail and sighed. “Right now, he’s reading _ Ero Ero Paradigm._ It’s just full of delicious ideas, and Sai is up for anything, if you know what I mean. His dick–”

“Okay, okay. I get it. Sai’s fulfilling all your slutty carnal fantasies. Just please, stop.” Sakura braced her head over her desk with her hands, fingertips covering her ears. “I’m gonna have to schedule myself a lobotomy after listening to that.”

“Oh please. You were reading porn when I walked in. Pervert.”

“_Icha Icha Paradise _ is not porn.”

“Okay, sure.” Ino snorted, her retort sarcastic, but her eyes soft around the edges. “But seriously, I’m glad, you know? You look good.”

“I feel good.”

“You didn’t work things out with Sasuke, obviously. You’re still sleeping here.” Ino pointed her empty skewer at the futon. “What changed?”

Sakura ducked her head and smiled, glancing askance at her friend. “I joined a book club.”

Ino choked on her chicken, her eyes wide. After she washed it down with a swig of water, Ino leaned back in her chair. She studied Sakura for a minute or so, and then she slowly began to nod. “Good for you.”

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; ix ]  
** _ these roads were paved _ _  
_ _ part two _

**.oOo.**

Sakura stood on Kakashi’s doorstep, rucksack on her back and holding the book, excited. 

After several double shifts and countless interruptions, she had finally finished. She had so much she wanted to discuss with Kakashi, eager to get his take on the twist of the ending.

Bouncing on the balls of her feet, Sakura knocked.

A chorus of barking sounded out behind the door – chirpy woofs and low howls. Sakura could hear Kakashi’s voice as he admonished them to be on their best behavior, and she giggled. When he opened the door, the ninken sat behind him in a straight line, waiting to greet her. She stepped through the threshold with a bright, “Hey, guys!”

Chaos broke loose as the pups vied for Sakura’s attention. 

Kakashi slipped her rucksack off her shoulder. “They’ve been excited to see you again. It’s all they’ve talked for the past two days.”

“Aww, I’m happy to see you guys, too,” Sakura said as she bent over to scratch behind Bull’s ear. “But wait. You shouldn’t–”

“It’s fine. I’ve got this.” Kakashi dumped her laundry out on top of the dryer and began sorting it. “Take your time with the reintroductions because I expect your full attention later.”

“But–”

“I know how to do laundry, Sakura. Better than you do, in fact.”

“That’s rude.”

“Don’t deny it. I’ve seen you do laundry.”

“Fine.” Sakura huffed as if she were insulted, but her reaction was just for show. They both knew he was better at domestic tasks than she was, and she enjoyed the teasing. “Come on, guys. Let’s go to the sofa. Once I’m off my feet, I’ll give everyone as many pats and scratches as they want.”

Kakashi chuckled. “So, how far did you get this time?”

“I finished.”

“You finished? Really?” Kakashi’s head popped around the corner. “Don’t toy with my emotions, Sakura.”

“It’s true, so you better hurry up with that.” Sakura scooped Pakkun into her lap. The rest of the pack found space on the sofa or on the floor by her feet. “I have a lot I want to gush about before you give me the next book. But I also expect your undivided attention.”

After about thirty seconds of scuffling, Sakura heard the washer door close. Kakashi hopped over the back of the sofa and settled into his corner, displacing Shiba and Uhei as he did so. 

“Okay, I’m all yours.”

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; x ]  
** _ the rhythm of snow _

**.oOo.**

Sakura knew it would happen eventually. She prepared several different strategic plans in advance in the hope that when the time came, she wouldn’t freeze up. When it arrived, though, her preparation mattered for naught.

Sakura’s gaze met Hinata’s across the busy street, and the world stood still.

Hinata beamed and gave a small wave, passing through the crowd to reach Sakura. Once at Sakura’s side, Hinata bowed in greeting. “Hello, Sakura. I’ve been hoping to run into you.”

“You have?”

Hinata nodded. “Would you like to join me for tea?”

**.oOo.**

The teahouse was luxurious, in a tasteful, understated way. Rich wooden floors ran throughout the building, and cream-colored shoji let in just the right amount of natural light while creating private nooks for seating. Chabudai and tatami in each room rounded out the traditional esthetic. The hostess recognized Hinata. Immediately, they were ushered into a room overlooking the garden courtyard. Hinata placed an order for both of them as Sakura watched koi swim in the crystal-clear pond.

It was exquisite, and Sakura felt sick.

Over the past couple of months, Sakura considered tracking Hinata down. It'd been eating at her, the idea that she had information that Hinata deserved to know. When Sakura first found out, she'd been too shocked to think about what action, if any, she should take. Then the anger hit, and Sakura couldn't think about anything except how she personally had been wronged. The realization that the situation created another victim didn't come until much later. With that realization came guilt. Sakura knew she should tell Hinata, but she had no idea how to go about it.

How do you tell someone that your asshole husband is fucking their idiot fiance?

Their server returned with their order. After checking to see that all was in order, he left them to enjoy their tea in privacy.

"Thank you for joining me, Sakura," Hinata said as she poured Sakura a cup. "I have to admit, I had an ulterior motive. I hope you won't be too angry with me."

Sakura’s hackles raised, and she clenched her fists. If Naruto put Hinata up to this, he was going to have hell to pay. "Ulterior motive?"

"Yes." Hinata folded her hands in her lap and faced Sakura. "I'd like to tell you a story, and I want you to save your judgment until the end."

"And if I choose not to listen?"

"That's your choice, of course. I know we've never been close, but I've always considered us friends. Friends respect each others' wishes. If you don't want to listen to my story, we'll share this pot of tea and talk about whatever you'd like." Hinata fell forward, head to the floor, in a formal bow. "This is my promise to you, friend to friend."

Sakura stared at Hinata's prostrated form, and her perspective shifted. Hinata knew. Every bit of Sakura was convinced, down to the marrow of her bones. She didn't have to tell Hinata anything, didn't have to feel guilty for keeping silent. More than that, Hinata had some information she believed Sakura did not. The method in which Hinata approached Sakura, including the present display of humility, bore a striking resemblance to one of Sakura's own hypothetical plans. 

_ (Make a friendly overture. Grovel in advance to ingratiate oneself with the wronged party. Tell the truth and hope they're not of the disposition afterward to administer a beatdown, either physical or emotional.) _

It was a gamble, and her heart was the wager. If Hinata's intelligence matched Sakura's, she'd merely be sitting through a rehashing of the worst moment of her life. She might gain an ally, but since Hinata and Naruto were still together, she couldn't count on it. If, on the other hand, Hinata had been sent by Naruto to smooth the situation over, it would be the ultimate slap in the face. Sakura's heart would break all over again, and her relationship with Naruto would be irreparable. But a third scenario existed, and it was the one Sakura was going to take a chance one: Hinata had better intelligence than Sakura.

"I'll listen," Sakura said, quiet and resolute. "I won't make any promises further than that."

“That’s all I can ask. Thank you, Sakura.” Hinata rose, returning to a kneeling position. Then she took a deep breath and began. “My whole life, I felt like there was something wrong with me. I had trouble fitting the mold of the perfect Hyuuga heir my father wanted. But watching Naruto gave me hope. People treated him like there something was wrong with him, too – just like my father did with me. But Naruto never let it stop him. I fell in love with his determination. I knew how I felt before we even graduated from the academy. So did everyone else, except Naruto.

“The thing is, I– umm, I–” Hinata closed her eyes and curled her fingers around the hem of her shirt. “I’m sorry. I’ve just never shared this with anyone before.”

“It’s okay,” Sakura said, confused but sympathetic. Hinata was clearly unsettled. “I’m here, and I’m still listening.”

“My love for Naruto has never wavered or lessened.” Straightening her shoulders, Hinata held Sakura’s curious gaze. “But there was a time when I loved someone else every bit as much as I loved him. She was strong and determined, and compassionate to a degree I can’t even fathom. And I loved her so, so much. But my love for her never took away from my love for Naruto. It never competed with it. I never felt torn between the two. I had love enough for both.

“I know love doesn’t work that way for most people, so it’s probably hard for you to understand.”

“You’re right, I don’t understand. Not really.” Sakura frowned, now unsure about whether Hinata actually knew about Naruto and Sasuke. “But continue.”

“I knew I wasn’t the right person for her, so I never pursued a relationship. But the experience changed me. It helped me understand Naruto’s feelings when he talked to me about Sasuke.” 

Sakura’s breath turned sharp, the air brittle in her lungs, and her exhale came out as a harsh hiss. She couldn’t speak around the lump in her throat. Hinata tittered, her expression radiating concern. Sakura brushed off the attention and motioned for her to go on.

“When Naruto asked me to be his girlfriend, he confessed that he loved Sasuke. Naruto wouldn’t let me make a decision about dating him until I understood how he felt. He was falling in love with me, he said. But he’d always be in love with Sasuke. Naruto didn’t think a romantic relationship with Sasuke would ever happen, but he wanted me to know anyway.” Hinata smiled, warm and soft. “Hearing Naruto’s confession made me realize there was nothing wrong with the way I loved. I just needed to find someone else who loved the same way.”

“Why are you telling me this story, Hinata?”

“Because I owe you an apology. If I had just done things differently, you could have been spared a lot of pain. I regret that I didn't tell you about Naruto’s feelings before you married Sasuke. It wasn't my place, but... I believe you deserved to know. And later, when Naruto asked for my advice, I should have encouraged him to talk to you himself before they started their relationship. Naruto thought it would be okay to leave it to Sasuke, and though I had misgivings, I never voiced them.” For a second time, Hinata bowed, nose to the tatami. “I’m so sorry for the pain I’ve caused you, Sakura. If there is anything I can do to make it right, I will.”

Sakura turned her attention to the tranquility of the courtyard. A fish with beautiful, golden scales skimmed the surface of the water, drawing a lazy line of slow-moving ripples. Then it struck. With one quick maneuver, it had a hapless dragonfly lodged in its gullet. As she watched it dive into the pond's depths, Sakura stood. 

“I wish you would have told me sooner. But this isn’t on you, Hinata. You didn’t hurt me.” Sakura grabbed a couple of coins from her money pouch and placed them on the table. Then she moved to the door. “There’s nothing you can do. Sasuke’s the only one who can give me what I need.”

“What do you need, Sakura?”

Sakura slid the shoji open with a trembling hand. “A divorce.” 

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; xi ]  
** _ these roads were paved  
_ _ part three _

**.oOo.**

“Sakura, you’re not keeping your end of the deal.”

“Huh.. what?” 

“Conversation.” Kakashi picked up his copy of _Icha Icha Violence_ and waved it around for emphasis. “You said you finished this masterpiece, but I haven’t heard one word of unadulterated praise. Don’t make me revoke your membership card.”

“Sorry. I’m just distracted, I guess.” Sakura absently ran her fingers over Pakkun’s fur. “Would it be okay if I just listened to you talk about it this week?”

Kakashi’s brows raised in concern. “Everything okay?”

“Not really. But I’m working on it. It’s just...” Sakura sighed and felt it in the depths of her soul. Weary, she was in desperate need of respite. “I’m just really fucking tired, and I’m tired of sleeping in my office like I’m homeless. Which, I mean, I am. But– damn, I don’t even know what the hell I’m trying to say.”

Kakashi fidgeted, his hands hovering awkwardly like he didn’t know what to do with them. Eventually, he settled into a decisive action – grabbing the throw blanket from the nearby recliner. Propping his feet on the coffee table, he clapped his thighs. “Come on. I’ll read to you until you fall asleep. You can crash on my couch tonight.”

“You’re sure?” Sakura asked, pinking a little in her cheeks.

“He’ll be sad if you don’t,” Pakkun said as he stretched.

“Traitor.” Kakashi glared at the ninken. Pakkun grinned as he hopped off of Sakura and went to join the rest of the pack on their beds. After the dog was settled, Kakashi turned to Sakura. “And yes, I’m sure.”

It felt strange, laying her head on Kakashi’s lap. Intimate. She covered herself with the blanket he offered and rolled on her side, facing his knees. Nervous energy enveloped her from head to toe, and she was sure he could feel it in the way her pulse raced against his leg. But as he read aloud, his smooth voice a lulling comfort, the tension seeped out of her body, and she fell asleep.

In the morning, Sakura woke up with a pillow under her head where his lap had been. Kakashi was fast asleep on the recliner, snoring softly. Covering him with the throw she had used, Sakura left a light kiss on his maskless cheek. “Thank you.”

Then she ran to her office and sent a message to her bastard of a husband.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; xii ]** **  
** _ all young dreams _

**.oOo.**

Sakura arrived late.

An away mission gone wrong had sent a whole squad of shinobi through her emergency room ten minutes before her shift ended. All came in with life-threatening injuries. After four hours of surgery, in which Sakura and her staff worked elbow-deep in blood and viscera, three of the shinobi were in stable condition. One passed away while Sakura’s hand massaged his heart, a futile attempt to keep it beating while Shizune performed surgery on his shredded lungs. The kid was fourteen years old.

The lights were still on when Sakura walked through the door. Sasuke sat at the table, waiting for her.

“I got your message.” Sasuke crossed his arms. “You said you’d be here at eight.”

Sakura pulled her hair out of its bun and ran her fingers through it. As she ignored Sasuke, she rubbed the stress of the day out of her temples. She didn’t have the energy to argue with him. She had a purpose in coming back to this place, and following through was going to take what fortitude she had left.

“I want a divorce.”

“I can’t–”

“Shut up. I’m intimately aware of exactly what you can and can’t do.” Sakura narrowed her eyes at him, sarcasm evident in her tone. “I’m here to do my part to fulfill the conditions of our contract. Though, I have conditions of my own.”

Sasuke raised a single brow. “Conditions?”

“Yes. First, you’re going to take this, and I’m going to take a shower while it takes effect.” Sakura slid a small red pill across the table. Sasuke picked it up and gave her a questioning look. “Can’t have you going soft on me. It’s been a while. For all I know, your dick only works now if there’s an asshole involved.”

Sasuke smirked, cold and cocky. “So that’s how it’s gonna be? Hate sex?”

“Oh, you misunderstand me.” She returned his smirk with a saccharine smile as she stalked towards him. “This isn’t going to be sex at all. It’s masturbation, and you just happen to be my dildo of choice for the night.” 

Sakura leaned over him and rested her hand on the arm of his chair, letting her chakra crackle with malice. With her other hand, she patted the pouch at her hip. “Since you’re so fond of seals, I brought a few to play with tonight. One to blind you, one to silence you. Another to immobilize you. Plus, four pieces of chakra-sealing rope to tie you to the bedposts and keep you from using any pesky jutsu while I’m getting off. All temporary, of course. Agree to their use, or I tell Tsunade, Hiashi, and the entire Allied Shinobi Counsel how you and Naruto fucked me over.”

Sasuke’s smirk fell. “So, that’s why you’ve kept quiet all this time. Leverage.” 

“Do you accept my terms? I need to hear you say it. Unlike some people, I don’t screw someone over without their knowledge and consent.”

He held her gaze for a few seconds, expression unreadable. Then he nodded. “I accept. I’ll meet you in the bedroom.”

“Change the fucking sheets.”

**.oOo.**

Sasuke sat at the edge of the freshly made bed, leaning back on his elbows. Shirtless and erection tenting the front of his loose lounge pants, he made a pretty picture. Once, it would’ve made her heart throb with excitement and longing. Sakura scoffed out her disgust and scrubbed a towel over her wet hair.

“Close the door.”

“What? Are you worried someone will come in and see?” Sakura set her folded pile of clothes on the dresser, tool pouch on top. “You never seemed concerned before. You know, like when you were balls deep down Naruto’s throat. It stays open.” With a tired sigh, she gestured at his lap. “Take off your pants and lie down. Can’t exactly impregnate myself if your dick’s not out.”

Sasuke removed the rest of his clothing and reclined in the middle of the bed, hands behind his head. “I didn’t know you had such a filthy mouth, _ wife_.”

“Call me that again,” Sakura retrieved her ropes and sent one cracking like a whip between Sasuke’s legs, “and I’ll castrate you, then feed your testicles to Naruto.”

Sasuke glared, but before he could say anything else, Sakura slapped the paper containing the silence seal across his mouth. Then she proceeded to tie him, one limb at a time, to the bedpost. The rope she chose was of a coarse quality, and her tight knots bit into the pale skin of his ankles and wrists. At first, he struggled against her firm grip and rough handling, expressing his displeasure with the changing slant of his eyes. But she was stronger than him, and in the end, he submitted to her will. He’d have bruises and abrasions for a week if he didn’t see someone for chakra healing, and the thought curled around her lips in a vicious grin. 

Once she’d secured him, spread wide and undignified, Sakura pressed the immobilization seal to his chest. His muscles went slack, and Sakura breathed a sigh of relief. Without his will animating his body, Sasuke appeared to be nothing more than a doll. A fully-erect, male sex doll, sure. But a doll nonetheless. The idea of copulating with Sasuke again had been tormenting Sakura – betrayal, wrath, and grief turning to nausea in her stomach. But this… this she could do. It indeed would be an act of masturbation.

Sakura retrieved the last two seals from her pouch. One, she laid over Sasuke’s open, angry eyes. The other she tucked under one of the pillows. Then she dropped the towel she’d wrapped around her body and wondered how to begin. She wasn’t even wet.

“Damn, I should’ve brought some porn.”

Perched on the edge of the bed, Sakura closed her eyes. Her mind grasped for an image, a daydream to stimulate her. It took a minute or so, but her brain conjured the wisp of an idea, and Sakura chased it.

The calloused fingers of her fantasy partner drew patterns on the sensitive skin of her inner thighs. They gained ground slowly, millimeter by precious millimeter until they reached her center. Brushing through her pink curls, he teased the seam of her entrance. One hand left her legs to trail up her hip. It continued its journey past the subtle jut of her ribs and came to rest on her bare, left breast. His thumb brushed over her nipple, whisper-soft. Then he squeezed hard, kneading and tugging at her rounded flesh. The juxtaposition of want and tenderness built tension in low in her belly as Sakura tattooed his actions into her body with her own hands.

He covered her with his palm and pressed the heel of it firmly over her clit. The leather of his fingerless gloves added a delicious kind of friction, and Sakura bucked into the pressure. He chuckled, the sound rough yet overflowing with affection, and pushed a finger inside. As he pulled it back out, it glistened with the evidence of her arousal.

Sakura wiped the dampness from her finger on the bed and decided it was time. Eyes tightly shut, she used her battle-honed senses to crawl over Sasuke’s prone form and straddle his hips. She didn’t want to see him, didn’t want to ruin the vision building in her head. The sight of him was sure to kill her libido, and she didn’t want that. Tonight, Sakura chased more than a fantasy, more than pregnancy or divorce. She chased an escape from the horrors of the day – a release, however temporary, from the pain of life.

She was chasing a damn orgasm, for fuck’s sake.

Reaching beneath her, Sakura steadied Sasuke’s cock and impaled herself. Stillness enveloped her as she shuddered, the feeling of fullness almost overwhelming. She tried not to dwell on it, the fact that it’d been over seven months since she last had sex. The reasons why trickled to the forefront of her thoughts and Sakura rushed to banish them. This was not about Sasuke – what he’d done or what he’d wanted. It wasn’t even about the fact that he’d already cummed and she could hop off his dick and be on her merry way. This was about her and what she needed. 

Sakura was going to take back her agency by fucking her traitorous husband under her own terms. She’d use his body while he was trapped and powerless under her will.

Then she’d throw him away like a soiled condom.

Rocking forward, Sakura banished all thoughts of Sasuke and recalled the image of her fictional paramour. In her vision, they were now at the training grounds. He sat on a quilt in the grass, his back resting against the sturdy trunk of a beautiful pine tree. As she slid up and down on his cock, he nibbled at her neck, teeth nipping lightly over her pulse point. Sakura increased her speed, adding a gyration to the motion of her hips. He rewarded her with a squeeze of her ass and the sound of him panting in her ear.

_Sakura,_ he growled after a few more thrusts, _ I’m cumming._

Sakura heard his voice in her head and didn’t care, knowing that he’d stay hard until she had her fill. She pulled her imaginary lover to her breast, hands buried deep in his silver hair as she ground over him with abandon. His seed seeped out of her while she fucked him, slicking the juncture of his hips and her legs. The delicious sensation drove her on. She was close, so very close. Her legs trembled, and her motions became erratic. Sakura pressed her thumb to her clit, trying desperately to reach her release.

_ Come on,_ her lover coaxed as he raised his head and looked her in the eye, _ Cum for me, Sakura._

The sight of her dream man – _ Kakashi, with a heady combination of lust and love in his gaze _ – pushed her over the edge. Her back arched sharply, head thrown back as she cried out in orgasmic ecstasy. Sakura rode out her pleasure, desperate for every drop. She continued on until all she had left was a bone-deep weariness and cum-coated thighs.

“Fuck, fuck, _ fuck_.”

With Sasuke’s cock still buried inside her, Sakura reached under the pillow and pulled out the last seal she’d brought with her – a semen containment seal she’d snagged from the fertility center at the hospital. She pressed it to her lower abdomen and watched it activate. Sasuke ejaculated at least twice before she came. She had what she needed from him.

Now, she needed to be anywhere but here.

But she didn’t want to be alone.

Sakura redressed in her dirty clothes and retrieved a kunai from her tool pouch. She set it in the center of Sasuke’s chest. “The seals have a built-in timer. They should release in,” Sakura paused to glance at the clock, “two hours and twenty-two minutes. You’re on your own with the ropes.”

Then Sakura left him.

_ (Leaping across rooftops at breakneck speed,  
_ _ she ran to the place where her heart most wanted to be.) _


	5. relapse, part one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, NaNoWriMo is almost at a close, and I didn't even manage to make it to the halfway point word count wise. Still, it's the most writing I've done in years, so I'm content with what I managed. Of course, this fic is far from over.
> 
> With the holidays rolling in, though, I might not be able to update as consistently as I have been. This year will be tough for my family since it'll be the first holiday season without my grandpa or father-in-law.
> 
> On a lighter note, this chapter is solely kakasaku content. It's my way of saying thanks to you guys for being so amazingly supportive!

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; xiii ]  
** _ where have you gone now _

**.oOo.**

Sakura stood on Kakashi’s doorstep before her consciousness even had time to process that she had a destination in mind. After leaving the Uchiha compound, she’d run on pure instinct. Social propriety hadn’t factored in at all.

_ Shit_, she thought as she paced, _ I shouldn’t be here. It’s fucking late. _

Leaning over, Sakura stopped, hands braced on knees, and worked to catch her breath. The air felt dense in her lungs, thick and viscous, as if she were trying to pull oxygen through a membrane of mud. Even at full chakra-enhanced speed, the exertion needed to travel from Sasuke’s to Kakashi’s was a trifle. What a blow to her pride. Sakura knew tonight would be traumatic on some emotional level, but she hadn’t expected post-coital hyperventilation.

The pointed tip of cold steel pressed against the base of her neck didn’t help.

“Sakura?” The kunai fell away, replaced by Kakashi’s hand on the crook of her arm. He spun Sakura around, anxious eyes scanning first for injuries, then for enemies. “What’s wrong?”

“I– I’m not hurt. It’s–” Sakura stuttered as her knees shook and the fatigue of the day set in. “There’s no one there. It’s just me. I just–”

“Fuck.” Not bothering with the door, Kakashi tightened his grip on her arm and transported them inside. 

“Out,” he barked at the ninken. With a nod from Pakkun, the eight pups disappeared in a puff of smoke, and Kakashi turned his attention back to Sakura. Gently, he held her cheeks, forcing her to look him in the eye. “You’re going into shock, Sakura. What happened?” 

“Don’t touch me,” Sakura said with an edge of panic in her voice. Kakashi recoiled as if burned, and something like guilt reflected in his dark eyes. “No. Oh, god, no. It’s not you. It’s– Right now, I– fuck, fuck, _ fuck… _” 

She didn’t know how to explain that she couldn’t abide by his tenderness, not while she smelled of sex and wore panties soaked with Sasuke’s semen. 

_ (Not when she’d used Kakashi, however subconsciously, to bring herself to orgasm _ – _ a fact she didn’t have the mental energy to unpack at the moment.) _

“I think I made a mistake.” Sakura steadied herself, forcing her breaths to come out slow and even. “I thought it was my only way out, but maybe– Shit.” She looked at Kakashi and his expression –_ some strange mix of confusion, worry, and murderous intent _ – crumbled the last of her resistance. With a tired sigh, Sakura dropped all pretense at vaguery. “I can’t divorce Sasuke’s cheating ass until I give him an heir. And while I’d love to discuss the full scope of his manipulative bastardry and what should be done about it, I really need a shower and some clean clothes first.”

Kakashi walked away without a word. He returned carrying a small pile of things: a towel, one of his navy undershirts, and a pair of her own socks and underwear. She stared at the undergarments, confused, and he rubbed the back of his neck. 

“Uh, yeah. I found them mixed in with my laundry. Must have been left in the dryer the last time you were here.” Kakashi gestured towards the hallway with a jerk of his chin. “The bathroom’s the first door on the right.”

Sakura took the proffered stack with a fragile smile. “I know where it is, Kakashi.”

“Of course you do.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and slumped against the kitchen counter. “I’ll be here when you get out.”

**.oOo.**

Sakura scrubbed the smell of Sasuke from her skin and hair, careful to avoid the waterproof seal on her belly. For maximum efficacy, she had to leave it active overnight, and she didn’t want to accidentally trigger its release. Then she curled up at the bottom of the tub and counted the shower tiles until the water turned cold. 

She didn’t cry. 

Kakashi knocked once to make sure she hadn’t fallen asleep. When she emerged, he threw a huge, dryer-heated blanket over her head and confiscated her wad of dirty clothes. “Sit on the sofa and stay warm.”

Sakura did as she was told. A few minutes later, Kakashi shoved a steaming mug of tea in her hands. He hesitated, his gaze shifting from his corner of the couch to the recliner and back again. When he made a move towards the recliner, Sakura grabbed his wrist. “Please, sit with me. I’m sorry about earlier. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Okay,” he said, and she released him. He sat, the lines of his body rigid, but when he spoke, his voice was soft. “Maybe you should start from the beginning.”

“You already know the beginning,” Sakura said. Kakashi crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow, clearly not impressed. “But, I might have left out a few details.” 

She blew the steam from the top of her cup and took a sip. It was hot and bitter, and it stung as it traveled over her tongue and throat. But as it settled in her belly, it became a warm comfort. She set the cup on the table and turned to face Kakashi. 

“As hurt as I was by catching Sasuke and Naruto _ in flagrante_, deep down a part of me knew. Just like you knew. I didn’t put Sasuke in the hospital because I found out about their affair. I put him in the hospital because the bastard trapped me. He added a hidden clause to our marriage contract.”

“The heir you mentioned?”

“Yeah.” Sakura pushed a hand through her damp hair and looked away from Kakashi’s dark expression. “I’ve always wanted kids, just not right away. You know how it is for a kunoichi. After you’ve had a kid, it’s hard to get missions. I was on birth control until the day I saw them together in my bed. I knew then there was no salvaging it, so I’ve been biding my time. It takes about six months for the body to return to full fertility. I should’ve been prepared. I had all that time to build up my mental defenses. I should have been able to go home and sleep like a baby, not show up a mess on your doorstep in the middle of the night. But every time I tried, all I could think of was the way they looked at each other in that moment.” Sakura’s voice wobbled as she closed her eyes. “Sasuke’s never looked at me like that.”

“Fuck him then,” Kakashi said, as bitter and biting as her tea. “He doesn’t deserve your tears.”

Sakura let out a wry bark of a laugh and wiped her cheeks. “Too late, on both accounts.”

“Shit, I’m–”

“Don’t. Don’t do it.” Sakura covered his words with her hand. The worn cotton of his mask flexed under her fingers as she stared him down. “Don’t apologize. You aren’t responsible for any part of this shitshow.”

Kakashi’s eyes widened. His breath quickened, hot puffs against the flat of her palm, and his spine snapped to attention. With every muscle tensed, Kakashi froze in place as if he was made of living stone. Sakura slid her hand away, struck by a sudden bout of self-consciousness. The blanket had fallen aside in her haste to reach him, and she found herself half-draped over Kakashi’s lap wearing little more than his shirt. She froze as well, trapped in the intensity of the moment. He leaned forward, inch by tiny inch, and Sakura’s heart lodged itself in her throat.

_ Oh god, oh god, oh god. _

Kakashi tugged at the edges of the blanket and wrapped them around her shoulders. Then he eased Sakura back into her seat and murmured, “Are you okay?”

Sakura shook her head, both as an answer and in response to the sudden release of tension. She didn’t have it in her to vocalize her weakness. It’d been a long damn day, emotionally and physically taxing on every level. The drain the emergency surgeries put on her chakra system left her compromised before she even stepped foot inside the Uchiha compound. The adrenaline high from her small act of vengeance had ebbed away, leaving behind a defeated sort of exhaustion. Combine those factors with her brain’s unreasonable implications that she was harboring some kind of attraction for Kakashi, and Sakura was done. She didn’t know whether she wanted to cry or sleep – or cry herself to sleep.

“How long until you know?”

“Know what?”

Kakashi stood and scrubbed a hand over his face. With a frustrated sigh, he looked away, staring at a blank spot on the opposite wall. “Until you know whether you’re pregnant.”

Sakura averted her gaze as well, nestling deeper into the warm fabric draped over her body. “About three weeks, give or take.”

Kakashi nodded and walked down the hallway. He returned with two pillows and an extra blanket. After handing one of the pillows to Sakura, he took the rest of his haul and slumped into the recliner, kicking up its footrest. “Stay here tonight. You shouldn’t be alone right now.”

Sakura pushed her pillow into Kakashi’s corner of the sofa and stretched out, adjusting the blanket to cover her completely. Then she reached up and turned the lamp off. “Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; xiv ]  
** _ these roads were paved _ _  
_ _ part four _

**.oOo.**

Sakura woke in a haze of heavy limbs and confusion. The scent of grilled fish filled her nostrils, savory and unexpected. Her office didn’t have a kitchen, let alone a chef to make her breakfast. She must be dreaming. Rolling onto her side brought a familiar table and mug into view, and Sakura bolted upright.

“Oh god, what time is it?”

“Almost noon,” Kakashi answered from the kitchen. 

He stood at the stove, facing away from her as he stirred something in a small pot. A strap of color rested against his neck, with a matching bow tied at the small of his back. Sakura blinked and rubbed her eyes, sure that her vision was failing her.

A maskless Kakashi cooking in a pink apron was a sight she never dreamed she’d see.

Sakura flopped back onto her pillow. “Shizune’s gonna kill me.”

“That’s doubtful.” Kakashi paused, taking a taste of whatever the pot contained. He nodded, then turned the heat off. “I went to inform Tsunade that you were unfit for duty today, and she was unsurprised. Apparently, you and Shizune nearly depleted your chakra last night trying to save a kid. She gave both of you the next two days off to recover.”

“I don’t know whether to be angry with you for meddling or relieved that I can sit on my ass all day.”

“I’d like to propose a third option,” Kakashi said over the sound of clinking dishes. “You should come to the table, eat a home-cooked meal, and be grateful that I’m not going to lecture you about your carelessness.”

“Ugh. That passive-aggressive statement was a lecture in and of itself.” In spite of her complaint, Sakura dragged herself off the sofa and trudged into the hallway. “I’m going to the bathroom. You can apologize for your meddling by having my breakfast served by the time I get out.”

His retort came accompanied by a smirk and a chuckle. “Ungrateful brat.”

**.oOo.**

Sakura emerged, hair brushed and face washed, to a situation she hadn’t experienced often since her parents passed away – a homemade meal on the table and someone waiting for her. Sasuke cooked for them regularly during their two years of marriage, being the better chef of the two. But between her chaotic work schedule and his training sessions or missions, they rarely ate together except for team dinners. Before moving in with Sasuke, Sakura lived and ate alone.

Pulling out a chair, Sakura stared at the food in wonder. The meal was a simple one – grilled fish, miso soup, and rice – but it was laid out with care. Nostalgia swept over her, and for the first time in years, Sakura felt homesick. She pulled a piece of the flaky flesh from her plate, pillowed it on a bite-sized portion of rice, and swallowed it down with her childhood memories. Kakashi watched as she chewed.

“You liar,” Sakura said as soon as she’d finished her bite. “Cook about as well as I do, my ass. This is fucking amazing. You’ve been holding out on me.”

Kakashi shrugged. “Takeout is easier.”

“True.” Sakura leaned forward, folding her hands in front of her on the table. “But if you want me to keep your secret, it’s going to cost you.”

Kakashi smirked and crossed his arms. “How much?”

“One homemade, Kakashi-cooked meal per month provided to our book club.”

“I’ll agree to it on one condition.”

Sakura scoffed, playful and teasing. “You’re in no position to make demands, buddy. You’re the one with the secret.”

“It’s not a demand. It’s a counter-offer.” He leaned back in his chair and gave her a calculating stare. “Unless you want everyone to know how you drool in your sleep.”

“Fine, dammit. What’s your condition?”

“I want to examine your marriage contract.”

Sakura's chopsticks faltered, dropping a piece of fish on the table. She scooped it up with haste, her fingers numb and clumsy, and shoved it in her mouth. As she devoted her focus to her meal, Sakura felt Kakashi’s gaze bear down on her, waiting. After a few seconds of picking at her rice, she sighed. “I don’t have it.”

“Oh,” Kakashi said, as casual as if they’d been discussing the weather.

Then he stood and walked to the stove, refilling his bowl of rice. When he returned, he dug into his meal. Sakura followed his lead, more out of a need to do something rather than actual hunger. Silence descended, and though it was far from uncomfortable, it was strange. Almost contemplative. It lasted for as long as the food did.

Gathering the empty dishes, Kakashi asked, “What are your plans for today?”

“I thought about plopping myself on your sofa and binge-reading _ Icha Icha Innocence_, but my brain feels too sluggish to absorb text today.” Sakura grabbed a towel from the drawer and began drying dishes as Kakashi washed. “Chakra depletion is a bitch.”

Kakashi laughed and handed her a pan. “Would you like me to read to you instead?”

“Don’t you have something productive to do, like a mission?” Sakura stood on her tiptoes to put away a stack of bowls. “Or those Hokage grooming lessons Tsunade keeps trying to foist on you?”

“Actually, I’ve been given an S-class mission from Tsunade herself.” Kakashi stole the towel from Sakura’s grasp and dried his hands with a grin. “To keep you from overdoing it.”

Sakura punched him in the meat of his shoulder, then marched to the sofa. “I don’t need a fucking babysitter.”

“Of course not. But it gets me out of work. Lazy-ass, remember?” Kakashi retrieved a book from his immaculate shelves and sat next to her in the middle of the couch. As he kicked his legs up on the coffee table, he rubbed his injured arm. “Damn, Sakura, that fucking hurts.”

“You’ve had worse.” 

Sakura swatted Kakashi’s hand away so she could lean against him. He was going to read for her, sure. But she didn’t want to miss the colored illustrations that came with each chapter. Sakura curled her feet underneath her and pulled the blanket over her lap. 

Kakashi turned his head to look at her as he flipped open the novel. “That I have.”

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; xv ]  
** _ the silver linings _ _  
_ _ part two _

**.oOo.**

Sakura rolled over in sleepy expectation that her shoulder would land against the back of the sofa. Her momentum took her past that ninety-degree angle. With a disconcerted _ oof_, she landed on the flat of her back. Wakefulness quickly replaced slumber during those few inches of freefall. Sakura stared at a blank ceiling as she took stock of where she was.

In a bed – _ one that was not hers _– was the most obvious observation. The gray bedding was soft and worn, though by no means threadbare, and smelled freshly laundered. The pillow beneath her head held the faintest trace of a masculine musk, a scent Sakura found strangely familiar. She rubbed her cold feet together, the action bringing attention to the bareness of her legs, and realization smacked her across the face.

_ She was sleeping in Kakashi’s bed. _

Sakura pulled an arm out from under the comforter, and the navy blue of her borrowed shirt confirmed her suspicions. With a groan, she pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes. The last thing she needed was her brain having more inspiration where Kakashi was concerned. She was married, dammit, albeit not for long if she could help it. She shouldn’t be lusting after the first man to show her kindness. 

Because surely that’s all it was – kindness. Kakashi was an attractive, intelligent, desirable man, who also happened to be her former sensei. Sakura liked to think the friendship they’d developed was as gratifying for him as it was for her. But she was under no illusions that any sort of mutual attraction had built between them. In all likelihood, Kakashi still saw her as a kid. A fourteen-year age gap had a tendency to do that. Sakura flushed.

_ I’ve got a one-sided crush on my ex-sensei_, she thought with chagrin. _ What a fucking cliche_.

Sakura flipped the covers to the side with a determined kind of violence. No way was she staying another second in that bed. Not while her mind entertained fantasies of Kakashi carrying her princess-style and tucking her in with gentle diligence.

_ (Not while her fingers itched to slide down her belly and into her panties while her memory played last night’s daydream on repeat.) _

Fuck, maybe she was desperate after all.

Sakura scrubbed her hands over her eyes and cheeks and pushed her hair back, straightening her shoulders. If she had to face Kakashi, she’d do so with as much dignity as she could muster. She shoved her depravities to the back of her mind where they belonged and exited the room.

Sakura was alone.

Kakashi’s home was small. It took a minute, maybe two, to confirm that he wasn’t anywhere inside the residence. A quick glance through the peephole proved he wasn’t on his modest porch. Sakura slumped against the kitchen counter and sighed. How anticlimactic.

Sakura looked for a note or any indication of where he’d gone. When she found none, she made herself some tea and sat in a chair at the table. Thumbing through _ Icha Icha Innocence_, Sakura found the last thing she remembered Kakashi reading and settled in to wait for him.

**.oOo.**

Kakashi slipped in so quietly, Sakura almost missed his arrival. In his absence, she swept through a third of the book, enraptured by the addition of a new player for Misaki’s affections. The menage a trois depicted – _ Misaki pressed between the man she used to love and the man she was fighting not to lov__e_ – was equal parts titillating and heartbreaking. Sakura read the last part of the chapter and marked her place with care before she turned her attention to Kakashi.

“Oh, hey, where’d you–?” 

The question died in her throat. Kakashi stood, back braced against the entryway wall as he removed his shoes. His posture was off, stiff and stilted, and he seemed to favor his right side. The skin exposed by his fingerless gloves was a mottled purple, broken and bloody.

“You’re injured.”

Kakashi chuckled, dark and mirthless, and limped to the table. Sakura kicked out a chair, and with a great heave of breath, he sprawled into it. Then he placed something on the table between them – a shinobi-issued scroll container. Sakura’s recognition was instantaneous. The Uchiha clan seal made it unmistakable.

It was her marriage contract.

Sakura clenched her fists so hard she felt the imprints of her fingernails. “Exactly how injured are you?”

“Oh this, this is no–”

“Dammit, Kakashi, don’t fuck with me.” Sakura stood, and her chair clattered to the floor. “You’ve been hurt often enough to know if your injuries are critical. Do you need me to heal you or not?”

The only change in expression Sakura could see was the widening of Kakashi’s eyes over the edge of his mask. “No.”

“Good. Where are my clothes?”

“What?”

“My clothes.” Sakura cocked her head and made a sweeping gesture over her body. “It’s probably not the best idea to parade around Konoha in nothing but your undershirt, considering you just picked a fight with my worthless husband.”

“They’re on the dryer.” When Sakura turned on her heel, Kakashi chased after her. “Where are you going?”

“My office.”

Sakura pushed open the laundry closet and pulled her shorts off the top of the neatly folded pile. The shorts were halfway up her thighs before Kakashi turned around, his ears a bright, flaming red. His shirt was quickly replaced by her bra and tunic, and she let it drop to the floor before she stomped away.

Kakashi caught her by the wrist as she reached the door. “I don’t understand why you’re angry.”

“Of course, you wouldn’t.” Sakura shook her head and looked away, jaw clenched as tightly as her fists had been. Then she held his gaze, direct and unwavering. “I’m not a little girl. I’m not helpless or weak or stupid. I don’t need you – or anyone else, for that matter – fighting my battles for me. Especially not this one.”

Kakashi tilted his chin, stubborn and unrepentant. “I didn’t do it because of any imagined failings on your part. I did it because he deserves it. As his sensei–”

“As his _ wife _and actual wronged party, I am the only one who gets to decide what he deserves. But you didn’t think about that. You acted on your own, without consulting me, to mollify your own feelings. I’ve got enough men in my life who think they can make decisions about me without me. I don’t need another.” Sakura continued to stare him down, her frame vibrating in restrained fury. “Now, let me go.”

Kakashi released her wrist and opened the door.

**.oOo.**

By the time Sakura reached her office, her anger had faded into the dull throb of a headache. She curled up on her futon, and, in spite of her long afternoon nap, she fell asleep.

Sakura woke early, before sunrise. With nothing better to do with her time, she busied herself with the mountain of paperwork left on her desk. It was mindless work – signing off on the charts of Minami's routine exam patients. When the last file of the stack had been put away, Sakura stretched, the vertebra of her neck popping with the motion.

She pulled the next pile to the center of her desk, a stack containing the files of undiagnosed patients. Shizune had passed them onto Sakura with the hopes that a fresh set of eyes might find the missing pieces. Sunrise came and went as Sakura flipped through the files with growing agitation. Her brain stuttered, unable to add any new ideas to the mix for even a single patient. With a huff, Sakura grabbed a book and flopped on her bed.

Her attempt at reading fared no better. After she'd read the same sentence a half dozen times without absorbing it, Sakura gave up. She threw on a fresh set of clothes and headed to the training grounds. Tsunade might have barred her from clinical work, but she hadn't placed any restrictions on Sakura's chakra use.

Pulverizing trees proved to be as unsatisfying as her paperwork and as unengaging as her book. She felled two juniper pines, shook the splinters from her gloves, and called it a day.

A package sat on Sakura's desk upon her return. It was book-shaped, wrapped in pale pink, and tied up with twine. A folded piece of paper lay tucked under the string with her name written in a familiar hand. Sakura wanted to hold onto her anger, to ignore the blatant peace offering. She'd been right, dammit. Kakashi shouldn't have engaged Sasuke on her behalf without her consent.

But she'd also been wrong, if only in motive. Kakashi's provision of vengeance poked at her insecurities, and the pain of that made her lash out. Sakura didn't want him, of all people, to see her as weak or incapable.

_She didn't want him to see her as a child._

It wasn't Kakashi's fault that she decided to fight rather than have a conversation about boundaries like mature adults. Sakura could only fault him with acting like an idiot, and she forgave idiots every damn day. Clinging onto that thought, she plucked the note from the package.

_ Got sent on a mission.  
_ _ Feel free to use the place while I'm gone._  
_I'm sorry._

Sakura unwrapped the package, unsurprised to find _Icha Icha Innocence_ inside. She flipped to where her bookmark poked out from the top edge, and something fell onto her desk – a newly cut, bright brass key.

After shoving a couple of days worth of clothes into a bag, Sakura ran. The key slid into the door's lock with no resistance, like two puzzle pieces coming together. She opened the door, and the pack of ninken pounced on her in excitement. Sakura laughed, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. 

"Hi, guys. I'm home."

**.oOo.**

Kakashi returned three days later, tired and dirty but no worse for wear. Sakura beat him there by a matter of minutes. She had been about to hop in the shower when she heard the door open and shut softly. Peeking her head into the hallway, she spied him. He peeled off his shoes one at a time and set them in a line next to hers. Then he looked up.

Kakashi's gaze locked onto hers, and his posture stiffened. Sakura ventured into the hallway, walking towards him with even, measured steps. She was a kunoichi and a damn fine one at that. Hiding her heart's violent, desperate rhythm was second nature. A neutral expression paired with a relaxed demeanor hid all traces of vulnerability. As he continued to watch her approach, something like disappointment flickered through Kakashi's dark eyes. Then he retreated behind the aloof facade she'd known for half her life.

_ Oh, hell, no. _

Her feet took off, and before she knew it, Sakura's face was buried in his chest. Her arms wound around the small of his back as her fingers tangled themselves in the fabric of his jounin vest. Kakashi hesitated for only a moment before he reciprocated her embrace. He curled into her, letting her take the brunt of his weight, and rested his head on the crook of her shoulder.

"Does this mean I'm forgiven?" Kakashi asked, his breath hot against her sensitive skin.

Sakura pulled away with a shiver and patted the center of his chest. "Yes. Are you hungry?"

"Famished."

She smiled, feeling more at peace than she had a long time. "Get cleaned up. I'll figure something out for dinner."

When Kakashi reentered the kitchen, hair damp and skin scrubbed clean, Sakura had two cups of ramen and_ Icha Icha Innocence _waiting for him.


	6. relapse, part two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry for the long wait for this chapter. You'd think quarantine would be good for productivity, but it was the exact opposite for me. Go figure.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy the chapter.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; xvi ]  
** _ the golden song  
_ _ part two _

**.oOo.**

Ino burst into the office with such force that the door bounced off the wall. She slammed it shut with equal violence and stalked, eyes narrowed and red-faced, towards Sakura. "Why did I have to hear about you shacking up with your former sensei from a chuunin nobody over the world's worst bowl of ramen?"

"Keep your voice down!" Sakura glanced at the door, straining her senses for evidence of passersby. "This is not the place."

"Oh no, you're not getting out of this–"

"For fuck's sake, sit down, shut up, and give me, like thirty seconds. Okay?"

Ino's expression intensified, but with a sigh and a nod, she complied.

Sakura closed her eyes, rubbing fingers into the headache forming at her temples. It'd been a week since Kakashi had come home with her marriage scroll. She'd encountered a few odd stares and a handful of suspicious whispers since then. Still, she had seen nothing to indicate the gossip chain had latched onto anything juicier than her sleeping in her office.

Apparently, her observation skills needed some work.

"I don't know what you've heard, but I am not _shacking up _with Kakashi," Sakura said, driving an edge of finality into her inflection.

"That's it? That's all the explanation you're gonna give me?" Ino leaned forward in her chair, her fists curled on Sakura's desk. "I've been waiting for you to be ready to talk, but I'm losing my patience. You're falling apart – _ and don't you dare deny it; don't you fucking dare _ – and I have no idea why. What's the point of being friends if you won't confide in me? How the hell can I help you if you won't talk to me?"

Sakura took in a deep breath, scrubbed her hands over her face, and pushed her hair behind her ears. 

"You're right, okay? Dammit… you're right. I just– I can't. Not here." Sakura shifted in her chair, the wheels rolling back to give her some breathing room. "The rumors are bad enough. But the truth? Fuck.” She wrung her hands to hide their shakiness. “If one of my staff overheard… I mean, I'm their leader. I'm supposed to have all the answers, have my shit together. How could they follow me if–?" Her eyes scanned the room, her gaze tripping over each visible piece of her weakness, and swallowed hard. "They need someone strong and capable. My personal baggage has no place here."

Ino's posture lost its hard edge, and her eyes and mouth went soft to match. "Sakura–"

"Don't. It's fine." Sakura closed the file she'd been working on and gathered the small stack of folders beneath it. Nausea curdled in her empty stomach, but she plastered on a wan smile for Ino’s sake. "I'll pass these off to Minami, then we can talk over takeout. Acceptable?"

"Sure. I'll grab the food while you deal with that." Ino stood and stepped towards the door. "My place?"

Sakura froze, fingers curled into the collar of her lab coat as she made a decision. "No." She forced motion back into her body and finished hanging up the garment. "If you want to see the whole story for yourself, I suppose we should meet at Kakashi's."

For a split second, Ino gaped at her. Then the expression shifted into something sly. "Of course. Why would we meet anywhere else?"

**.oOo.**

The knock came sooner than Sakura would've liked. She'd barely had time to fold and stack her bedding on the edge of the couch and fling the laundry doors shut. Dirty dishes clustered in the sink in pairs, a basket of their clean laundry sat on the table waiting to be folded, and the ninken nipped at her heels to receive their welcome home pats.

It was all so fucking domestic.

The knock came again, this time with more voracity, and Sakura had no choice but to answer it.

"About time," Ino huffed, charging past Sakura and dodging curious canines. "These bags are heavy. So, where's Kakashi?"

Sakura moved the basket to the floor to make room for Ino's haul and slid it into the corner. Out of sight, out of mind… hopefully. "On a mission. Shouldn't be back until morning."

"Well, isn't that convenient for him. I'll have to reschedule his interrogation, then." Ino rolled her eyes at Sakura's groan. "I'm joking, obviously. There's no need to question him if you give me the answers instead."

"Ino–"

"Finally caught her, eh?" Pakkun interrupted, tapping Ino's leg as he sauntered past. "Good for you." Sakura's mouth opened to protest, but he beat her to the punch. "Come on, guys. Let's give the ladies some privacy." He leveled a stare at Sakura as the other ninken poofed away amidst mild grumbling and whining. "They're gonna need it."

Left alone, Ino arranged the takeout containers on the table while Sakura stood behind a chair, stiff with anxiety. The quiet, awkward moment stretched out, growing more uncomfortable by the second.

"So, should I be offended that a dog knows more about what's going on than I do?" Ino looked up from her task, lips pursed, and tried to catch Sakura's gaze. When Sakura refused to meet her halfway, Ino groaned and put her hands on her hips. "Oh, for the love of–! Stop acting like I'm your dad, and I just caught you on the family sofa with your hand down a boy's pants. You're not in trouble. Damn. Just… I don't know, sit? For fuck's sake, _ relax_." She handed Sakura a pair of disposable chopsticks. "And when you're ready, start talking."

The tension ebbed out of Sakura, leaving her limbs loose and shaky. She sat down, grabbed the container closest to her – _ some kind of stir-fried noodle dish _ – and let something like relief wash over her. She missed having Ino in her life to boss her around and break down her walls. The normality of the situation – _ her, Ino, and griping about boys over cheap takeout _ – released the stranglehold on her words. "Are you speaking from experience? The whole _ hands down a boy's pants _ thing seemed awfully specific."

"You know damn well that I got caught on several different occasions. Stop trying to deflect." Ino settled into her chair and pulled out a bottle from a nearby bag. "Beer?"

"That's probably not the best idea." Sakura waved away Ino's offering as she stood and rushed to the sink to fill a cup. "I think I'll stick to water for tonight." 

"Yeah," Ino said over the hiss of released carbonation. "Maybe my shoes will actually make it through the night."

"Sorry," Sakura said. Rubbing the back of her neck, she made her way to her seat.

"It's fine." Ino shrugged. "I didn't really like that pair anyway."

"That's good, I suppose." Sakura took a long drink, buying time to organize her thoughts. She set the glass down with a deft, gentle motion. The liquid inside rippled twice before it leveled out, still and placid. In her bid for time, she had consumed precisely half. Sakura stared at the demarcation and wondered when she started seeing it as half-empty. With a wry shake of her head, Sakura turned her attention to Ino. "Before I start, I need you to promise me something."

Ino's brows furrowed, but she nodded her agreement. "Whatever you need."

"I need–" Sakura exhaled a heavy breath and pinned Ino with a stubborn stare. "I need to know that you'll let me deal with this no matter how you feel. If I need help, I'll ask for it. But until then, I need to know that you'll leave all parties involved alone."

"Forehead, what the hell have you–?

"Promise me, Pig. I won't speak a word until you do."

Ino reached across the table to squeeze Sakura's hand. "I promise."

Then, under Ino's focused gaze, Sakura began her emotional purge.

**.oOo.**

"Okay, so… wow. That was a lot." Ino drained the last of her second bottle and set it aside. "Let me see if I've got this straight. Sasuke is having an affair with Naruto, which you only found out about because you literally caught them rubbing dicks. Twice. 

“Sasuke was _apparently _supposed to tell you about their great, burning love for each other before dicks came into play. Instead, he trapped you with a hidden-heir-clause-no-jutsu from the fucking feudal era. Then he wrote you the world's shittiest, passive-aggressive _it's-not-you-it's-me _letter ever. After waiting the appropriate amount of time for your uterus to be back open for baby-making business, you turned Sasuke into a sex doll and had your way with him. Now you're in limbo, waiting to see if his semen is more reliable than he is." 

Ino kicked her legs up on the coffee table and patted her lap. Sakura moved from her corner of the couch to take Ino up on her silent offer of comfort. After they settled into place, Ino brushed her fingers through Sakura's hair as she continued her summation. 

"Naruto is an idiot but realizes he fucked up royally and feels guilty about it. Hinata loves Naruto and feels guilty by association. Kakashi wants to be a decent friend for once and thinks the best way to go about it is to drag you into his porn addiction. That about right?"

"Close enough."

"Damn." Ino's voice dropped to a gentle murmur. "I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I would' ve–"

Sakura shifted, tilting her face towards her friend's belly as Ino began to braid the hair over Sakura's ear. "I know. I just… I wasn't ready. It was too much, you know?"

"Yeah, I get it." Ino's nimble fingers finished the plait and started another. "So, what are you going to do now?"

"In the short term, I'm gonna wait. _ Obviously_. In the long term, hopefully, there's a child in here." Sakura's hands curled over her lower abdomen. "Then, I can divorce his cheating ass approximately nine months in the future."

"But what if–?"

Ino didn't have to finish her question; they both knew what she meant to say. Sakura refused to address the problem, even within her own mind. The mere thought of it made her sick. She snuggled deeper into Ino's lap in a feeble attempt to hide. As much as she despised the idea of being pregnant with Sasuke’s progeny, the lack of it would be infinitely worse. Not only would she still be married to the bastard, but it would also mean that she fucked him for no reason. She'd be stuck: til death do us part. 

_ Because Sakura refused to debase herself like that ever again. _

"Well, from what I can tell, you've actually got three problems," Ino said, her tone turned brash and factual. She prodded Sakura until she sat up, her pointed fingers digging into the soft flesh of Sakura’s side. "And their names are Sasuke, Naruto, and Kakashi."

Sakura spluttered. "K-Kakashi? Why is he–?"

"I mean, Sasuke's easy," Ino said with a dismissive wave. "If you're pregnant, problem solved. If not, we'll find a loophole in the contract or poison his saké. Regardless, he'll be out of the picture."

"Oh my god! We can't murder my husband."

Ino pushed on, ignoring Sakura's outburst. "Naruto is a trickier issue, with him dicking your husband and all. But in the end, he'll make some kind of big, meaningful gesture, work a little sincere talk-no-jutsu, and you'll forgive him. You'll probably make him sweat it out for a while, then beat his ass from here to Suna. Maybe let the rest of us have a crack at him, too. Oh, god, I hope so. He fucking deserves it." Ino's arm tightened where it wrapped around Sakura's shoulders. "But in the end – _ after he's paid proper penance, of course _ – you'll forgive him."

"Ino, I don't think I'll ever–"

"So, really," Ino grinned, wide and feral, "the real issue here is what to do about Kakashi."

Sakura attempted to wiggle out of Ino's hold. She needed to make some tea or refill her water. Go to the bathroom. Maybe check to see if Minami returned the files to her office. Even a midnight run to the convenience store around the corner would work. Anything to avoid the direction Ino insisted on steering the conversation. Ino refused to budge, though. 

With an internalized sigh of defeat, Sakura took the bait. "What's with your fixation on Kakashi?"

"What's with yours?"

"What? I don't have–" Sakura's traitorous heart pounded against ribs, flooding her body with the heat. "Nothing, okay? There's no _ fixation_."

"Damn, it was a guess, but I was totally right. You're blushing!" Ino squealed. "I mean, you are practically living together. And he's, like, the definition of a silver fox." Waggling her eyebrows, she pulled Sakura closer and mock-whispered, "So… how far have you guys gone?"

"We haven't–"

"Denials are useless, Forehead. Something's going on. It's written all over your bright red face." Ino pinched her cheek, and Sakura swatted her hand away. "So, what was it? Some kissing? Canoodling? Maybe a little assault with a friendly weapon?"

"Kakashi's been a complete gentleman!"

"Oh, I see." Ino released her hold, allowing Sakura to retreat to her own corner of the sofa. Her gaze followed Sakura, though, mischievous and intent. "You want him to make a move, but he hasn't. You're attracted to him."

Sakura's deepening blush confirmed Ino's suspicion before her brain could formulate a rebuttal.

"I don't blame you. That man is one tasty snack. Seriously. So much fuel for the imagination. If I got to crash on his sofa, I'd probably wake up every morning wet as f–"

A soft clearing of a throat stopped Ino mid-thought. 

Sakura slowly pulled her knees to her chest, hunching over them in an attempt to make herself small and unnoticeable. She fixed her gaze on the sight of her unpolished toenails, horrified to see that even they had flushed pink in her humiliation. Despite her discomfort, though, Sakura did not waver. Heaven in all its glory could not entice her to lift her head at that particular moment.

"Ladies," Kakashi said, pleasant and even. "My mission was a bit of a dirty one. I hope you won't mind if I take a shower and call it a night."

Ino, to her credit, managed to squeak out a couple of syllables closely resembling the phrase, _ of course_.

"I'll leave you to your _ imaginative _amusements, then."

Neither woman stirred until the sound of the shower filtered into the living room.

"_Fuck_." Ino's voice caught on the expletive's vowel, drawing it out. "What do we do now? He totally heard."

"First, you're gonna shut your big, fat mouth and get in that recliner. The last thing we need is for Kakashi to hear something he missed because you need to rehash the conversation." Sakura pointed at the chair before stealing down the hallway on chakra-silenced feet. When she returned, she tossed a blanket and pillow at Ino's head. Then Sakura nestled under her covers on the couch. "Now, we're going to do the super mature thing and pretend we're asleep until the coast is clear."

"Why do I have to stay and–?" The look Sakura sent across the room silenced Ino immediately. "Fine. Fake sleep mission. Got it. But… what are you going to do about it after tonight? You know, long term."

Sakura rolled onto her side. She buried her nose into the back of the sofa, covering most of her face with the quilt. "Nothing. It's just a stupid crush. After a couple of days of teasing, he'll forget all about it, and I can die of mortification in peace."

Sakura barely heard Ino's skeptical hum over the rapid _t__hump-thump-thump _of her own heart.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; xvii ]  
** _ oh oh oh  
_ _ part one _

**.oOo.**

Kakashi lingered in the shower, and the ladies settled in for the long haul. Silent and steady, they stuck to their mission with great resolve. They would fool Kakashi and avoid embarrassment or fall asleep trying: a win-win situation, really.

After thirty minutes with the soothing drizzle in the background, Ino nodded off. Not long after, Sakura felt the promise of sleep pull her under. But before she could genuinely sink into it, something jolted her back to wakefulness.

A deep, muffled moan rose above the gentle rush of the running water.

Sakura stripped the quilt from her head in disbelief. Kakashi must have been wounded on his mission. Medical attention made him skittish. That would explain the unusual length of the shower; Kakashi typically was in and out as quickly as possible. He must have been attempting to take care of his own injuries.

Damn him for hiding them from her.

She'd have to check him in the morning, whether he liked it or not. He rarely vocalized his pain when he knew people were paying attention to him, but if the sound he made was any indication–

The moan came again, soft and strangled, and a wave of warmth rushed over her body, leaving gooseflesh in its wake. Another sound came fast on its heels – a half-groan, half-growl. 

Sakura couldn't believe her ears. It sounded like Kakashi was–

His voice filtered through the ambient noise in sharp, shallow pants. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

_ Oh. My. God. _

Sakura flipped her blanket over her head, curling it desperately around her ears. She did not need to know what Kakashi sounded like when he climaxed. It would make sleep – _ fake or otherwise _ – impossible. The thin cotton barrier gave Sakura little protection against her own curiosity, though. Less than a minute later, Kakashi released a guttural whine and a couple of unintelligible words.

Then the shower turned off, and all went quiet.

Sakura pushed a quick burst of chakra through her body, forcing her cells into submission. Her racing heart slowed, her breathing relaxed, and her muscles slackened in the pretense of rest. Not a moment too soon, either.

Kakashi emerged from the bathroom and padded over to the fridge. Steam and the clean scent of his shampoo wafted through the house, and Sakura had to stop herself from reacting to it. The desire to breathe in deeply, to swallow and savor it, hit her like a punch to the gut. It was heady, knowing something as intimate about Kakashi as how he smelled straight from the shower. But she kept herself still, listening as he slurped up her leftover noodles.

The refrigerator door opened and closed for a second time, signaling the end of his meal. Kakashi's footsteps drew close and paused. Seconds ticked by as Sakura continued her ruse. He could hover over her all night, but she would not break. Kunoichi knew a little deception could go a long way towards keeping oneself out of undesirable situations.

Facing Kakashi right now – _ as she smoldered with the heat of embarrassment and arousal _ – was the definition of an undesirable situation.

Time passed in an agonizing trickle. Eventually, Sakura heard him sigh and shuffle his feet. Then his fingers slipped through the hair at her temple, the tug on her strands whisper-soft. Leaning forward, he tucked the section behind her ear and ran the pad of his thumb along the line of her jaw. 

"Goodnight, Sakura."

Sakura held her breath until she heard his bedroom door close.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; xviii ]  
** _ these roads were paved  
_ _ part five _

**.oOo.**

Six days came and went, and Sakura received no teasing from Kakashi’s quarter. 

Whether that was due to consideration (or lack of knowledge) on Kakashi's part or her own avoidance, she didn't know. Sakura had taken to sleeping at her office again. When Kakashi inquired about her change of bedtime venue, she brushed him off with exaggerated tales of her workload. 

Her real reasons were infinitely more complicated. The way Kakashi cared for her was something she had yet to experience outside of her bond with Ino, and his presence soothed the raw places in her heart. His friendship had become the medicine for an ailment she hadn’t even realized plagued her. Was it any wonder, then, that her heart began to yearn for more? 

Life with Kakashi would be a marvel, full of mutual respect and shared joys and sorrows. A bright, blessed contrast to the shitty piece of fiction she’d lived with Sasuke. Sakura experienced the difference firsthand, felt the truth of it in her bones. Her heart was a handbreadth away from falling headlong in love with him, the rest of her body fast on its heels. And it fucking terrified her.

_ Because he wasn’t hers to have. _

More than any of that, though, Sakura worried over the potential toll the rumors could exact from Kakashi’s life. She couldn’t bear it if he became collateral damage in the wreckage of her crumbling marriage. So she stayed away.

She didn’t have the heart to cancel on their book club, though.

“The gyoza’s almost done,” Kakashi called from the kitchen. “Could you get down the serving tray?"

"I already set our plates on the counter next to you," Sakura said as she jotted a thought down in her notebook. Without lifting her head, she gestured vaguely towards the stove. "We don't need the serving tray."

Kakashi released a soft grunt of disapproval. "Sakura, this meal is for our book club. Presentation is important. It needs to dazzle our guests."

Sakura lifted her head to level an unimpressed glare at Kakashi's back. "We're the only members of the club."

He half-turned towards her and beamed. "Exactly."

"Ugh, you have got to be kidding me." 

Sakura growled as she uncurled from her corner of the sofa. As her feet hit the floor, her growl turned into a groan. The tales of her workload hadn’t been that exaggerated. She'd worked a double yesterday, and every inch of her soles ached like they'd been bruised. Honestly, it would have been better if they actually were bruised; then, she could at least use her chakra to heal them. For now, she'd just have to bear with the pain. 

_ (Because, dammit, she couldn't refuse his ridiculous request. Not after experiencing the brilliance of a real, honest-to-god, Kakashi smile aimed directly at her.) _

Padding gingerly across the room, Sakura hopped onto the countertop and opened the cabinet where Kakashi kept his lesser-used kitchenware. The serving trays sat on the top shelf.

Of course, they did.

With his height, accessibility wasn't a concern when it came to organization. Sakura cursed her vertically-challenged stature. Even kneeling on the counter, she had to stretch to reach what she was after.

"Not that one." 

Kakashi's words ghosted over the exposed skin where her shirt had ridden up, and the shock of it caused her to teeter. His left hand splayed across her lower back to steady her as he flicked a burner off with his right. Her breath hitched at the contact, and she tried to swallow the sound. His fingers flexed when her attempt proved unsuccessful, digging ever so slightly into her tense muscles. Kakashi stepped closer. As he reached above her head with his free hand, the pressure against her back increased.

Sakura rolled her lower lip between her teeth. Fuck, his hand was so big. The distance from his thumb to the tip of his middle finger spanned her waist, rib to hip. It made her remember silly speculations from her teenage years, of giggling over hand-to-cock size correlation theories with Ino. Thoughts she did not need to entertain about her unofficial, sometimes-roommate. But the way his thumb brushed back and forth against the hem of her worn t-shirt made it impossible.

All the _ Icha Icha _must have gone to her head. It was the only logical explanation. Such limited physical contact should not have driven her to fantasize about the magnitude of Kakashi at full erection. Reading so many emotionally-charged sex scenes without an appropriate outlet finally caught up to her. It wasn't enough for her to have a burgeoning, more-than-crush on him. She had to go and develop a lady-boner for him, too.

_ Fuck_. 

Getting laid wasn't an option, no matter how much she needed it. And, _ oh_, how she needed it. Eight months without sex in any form – impregnation attempt aside – tended to do that to a person. Somehow she'd have to get herself off without Kakashi's sharp senses picking it up; his house was the only place she had access to with enough privacy. Sakura couldn't take much more of the one-sided sexual tension her mind insisted on conjuring. She had to take the edge off soon.

"This is the one we want." Kakashi's voice broke through her reverie as he pulled down a rectangular tray made of pale green glass. Stepping away, he placed it next to the tabletop grill he'd been previously manning. Then, he returned, grabbed her by the waist with both hands, and set her on the ground. "It has built-in containers for dipping sauces."

"Umm, yeah. That's… convenient." Sakura turned her back to him, smoothing down her hair and reigning in her risque contemplations. Fever burned through her skin where he'd touched her, residual heat settling low in her belly. But she ignored it, steadied her voice, and put on a facade of normalcy. "I'll set out the rice and kushiyaki while you put the proper _ dazzle _ on that dish."

**.oOo.**

“Oh, and the scene on page sixty-two! God, the layers of emotion there just blew me away. It was the perfect climax of their transition from enemies to…” Sakura dropped her notebook into her lap and crossed her arms. “Am I boring you?”

“Hmmm? Oh… no.” Kakashi looked up from his copy of _ Icha Icha Innocence_, which he had yet to notice he held upside-down. “Where were we?” He flipped his book in the correct direction and turned the page. “Oh yeah, chapter six. It was a very astute observation, Sakura. I was just–”

“Distracted?”

Kakashi rubbed the back of his neck. “Guilty.”

“I can’t believe you.” Sakura harrumphed. “Misaki let someone go down on her for the first time since Yusuke’s death. Does that mean nothing to you?”

“Of course, it means something to me! It was a pivotal step for Misaki towards processing her grief.”

“Then pay attention,” Sakura ordered as she smacked her toes against his outer thigh. “I’m not singing _ Icha Icha’s _ praises just to hear myself speak, you know.” Jutting out her chin, she kicked him again. “Your turn.”

Kakashi cleared his throat. The night of Ino’s impromptu sleepover flooded to the forefront of Sakura’s thoughts, and her cheeks went red. As Kakashi’s fingers flicked over pages in search of the correct passage, she hid behind her notebook.

“Okay, here we are. You did say page sixty-two, correct?” Sakura nodded, and he continued. “The last paragraph sums it all up, I think.

“_I__to’s tongue began to thrust in earnest as Misaki’s hesitant fingers worked their way into the kunoichi’s long hair, so different from Yusuke’s coarse, cropped strands. Saline carved tracks into Misaki’s cheeks, but instead of letting go, she held on tighter. Desperation clung to her, as obvious as the sweat slicking her skin, and Ito indulged her hunger with a growl. The sound unlocked something dark deep within Misaki’s heart. Her fingers gripped the back of Ito’s head with bruising pressure, and she ground out her _–”

Kakashi stopped.

Sakura waited.

After a few seconds, Kakashi scrubbed his hands over the stubble on his cheek and chin. Then, he slid his feet off of the coffee table and sat forward, elbows on knees. Without looking at her, he exhaled, sharp and stuttered. “I want to look at your marriage scroll, Sakura. I’m asking for your permission.”

“I–” Sakura slammed her jaw shut with a click. She stared at him for a prolonged moment, then shook her head. “No.”

His knuckles turned white where his hands clasped together, and he looked askance at her. “Why not?”

“It’s Friday. Book club takes priority over my personal drama tonight.” Sakura held his gaze and willed him to understand. She couldn’t do it, couldn’t ruin the sanctity of the best thing she had in her life. Sasuke had no place here, in this safe space she and Kakashi had created. 

Eventually, Kakashi broke eye contact. He reclined into the back of the sofa, crossing an ankle over a knee. “Okay.”

Sakura pulled her knees to her chest. “Besides, we don’t know yet if we even need to do anything else.”

“If that changes–?”

“If that changes, you can read the scroll.”

Kakashi nodded. “Thank you. It’s your turn.”

“Fine.” Sakura grabbed her book from the end table and opened it to her bookmark. “Let’s see… _ the sound unlocked something dark deep within Misaki’s heart. Her fingers gripped the back of Ito’s head with bruising pressure, and she ground out her __orgasm with exacting vigor. The shards of her broken heart shone brightly behind her eyes, coalescing into something new as she came down from her euphoric h-high–"_

Sakura’s head bounced on the couch cushion where, just seconds prior, her ass had been. “Excuse me! What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Kakashi’s hand circled her right ankle, her foot resting in his lap. Faux innocence lit up his unmasked face. “I noticed your limping earlier. You always take such good care of me. I thought I’d return the favor.”

Sakura tried to snatch her foot out of his grasp, but he held it fast. Her green eyes flashed dangerously. “Don’t you dare.”

“Come now, Sakura,” he said, securing her foot against his abdomen. “Surely, you know the best treatment for your ailment is a good, old-fashioned foot rub.”

“Touch my fucking foot, and you’ll regret it, old man.”

As Sakura stared him down, Kakashi pressed the pad of his thumb into her arch. Laughter poured out of her from deep within her belly as she squirmed in his hold. 

Then, all hell broke loose.

Sakura jabbed Kakashi in the gut with her captive heel, with no results. The second time, she added a burst of chakra to her attack, and with a surprised grunt, he released her foot. She scrambled to stand, only to fall face-first on the sofa when her other ankle refused to follow through. Looking over her shoulder, she caught Kakashi’s grin.

He activated his Sharingan, the damn cheater.

While Sakura contemplated a plan of action, Kakashi ran his fingertips across the ball of her foot. A fresh batch of giggles disrupted her strategizing. She flailed, an ungraceful and ineffective instinctual attempt at escape. His victory chuckle stung her pride, and his sustained tickling methods stole her breath. A flare of righteous indignation spurred her into action.

Sakura leaned into his hold, sweeping into a kneel on his lap before rolling over the sofa arm. Kakashi’s grip remained firm, and he trailed through the air behind her. Sakura whipped her leg up towards her shoulder in one smooth motion, thankful for the flexibility her training afforded her. The momentum of her roll off the couch turned the maneuver into a sort-of reverse judo flip. Kakashi landed on the floor behind her head, and she flipped once more to pin him with her hips.

She only had half a second to enjoy her victory before he reversed their positions, using his significant body weight to hold her in place.

“Now, Sakura,” he said with a wicked smirk as his hand secured her arms above her head. “Shall we see where else you’re ticklish?”

Sakura wriggled, trying to buck him off, and narrowed her eyes. “Ugh, I hate you so much right now.”

“I was just trying to be nice.” Kakashi’s fingers walked down the inside of her arm, setting off another bout of her laughter. “You’re the one who turned it into a battle.”

“I would’ve won, too,” she said between labored breaths. “But you cheated.”

He chuckled again, the rumble deep and deliciously rough. His knuckles swept over her side, one rib at a time, and he leaned into the space between them. “You’ve been into battle with me, Sakura. You should know I’ll resort to anything to get what I want.”

Sakura stilled beneath him. Her heart pounded so viciously in her chest that she could feel it in every cell of her body. Nerves swarmed in her stomach with the ferocity of hornets, rather than the delicacy of butterflies, and her lungs strained to work. She bit her lower lip, trying to tamp down on her chaotic emotions. Kakashi’s eyes locked onto the action, darkening as he pressed his forehead against hers.

_ Fuck, she was in so much trouble. _

“So,” she whispered, her insides flip-flopping with anticipation. “What do you want?”

“I want…” Kakashi brushed his thumb down her jaw and chin, bringing it to hover over the crease of her mouth. He traced the line of her lips, and the touch sent electricity coursing through her belly and spine. Kakashi swayed forward. “I–”

Sakura’s stomach clenched as bile crawled up her throat. 

_ Oh, god. Please, not now. _

She pushed Kakashi off of her, muttering an apology as she rushed for the bathroom. A wave of nausea sent her to her knees, and she lurched over the toilet. She barely made it before she began to retch.

Several minutes passed as her body fought to purge its system. Kakashi joined her soon after her first round of sickness, holding her hair and rubbing soothing circles into her back. When she felt it was safe to rise, he helped her up, and then stood to the side, giving her space. Sakura washed her face and rinsed her mouth. Bracing herself on the sink’s countertop, Sakura looked at hers and Kakashi’s reflections in the mirror.

A pallor of sickness, pale and greenish, covered her, and her mussed hair lent a wildness to her appearance. A hot, fucking mess. Kakashi’s expression and body language were carefully neutral. Too casual to be natural. But his eyes studied her, alert and questioning.

“Dammit, don’t look at me like that.” Sakura wrapped an arm around her middle and turned away. “It’s too early for morning sickness. Probably just the sketchy convenience store sushi I ate for lunch.” 

Kakashi ran his hands roughly through his hair and sighed. “You should take better care of yourself.” When she started to walk away, he grabbed her hand. “Stay.”

“I..." Sakura hesitated, at war with herself. Shit, she wanted to stay. Wanted to curl up on his well-worn couch and find refuge in the only place that felt like home. But it wasn't fair to him if she did. "I really should go to the office.”

“Why? Is it because of tonight?” Kakashi swallowed hard. “Is it because I almost–?” 

“No,” Sakura interrupted, her quiet voice fierce. “It’s not because of that.”

Kakashi tugged on her hand, forcing her to face him. “Then, why? You’ve been avoiding me for nearly a week. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

Sakura hunched over, dropping her face into her hand. She really did not want to have this fucking conversation. But damn, she knew she needed to; he deserved to know. “Rumors are going around about us. About us… shacking up, apparently.”

Seconds passed, and he didn’t say anything. After what felt like an eternity waiting, Sakura lifted her head to look at him. Kakashi’s grip on her hand loosened, but he didn’t let go.

“Does it bother you?” he asked into the silence between them. “That they think you’re with me?”

“No, of course not. That’s not why–”

“Then, you should stay.” The air left his lungs in an audible rush, and he laced his fingers between hers. “Just… stay. Okay?”

She nodded. “Okay.”


	7. relapse, part three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to have this chapter done a couple of weeks ago, but for some reason, it was giving me fits. I've been tinkering with it for so long I've lost perspective. So instead, I'm gonna leave it up the readers' judgment. Let me know what you think!

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; xix ]  
** _chasing down  
part three_

**.oOo.**

Sakura tried to settle down to sleep on the sofa.

Really, she fucking did.

But her stomach never seemed to get the memo. The damn thing forced multiple bouts of dry-heaving upon her. After the fourth trip, she'd been left so exhausted that she couldn't make it to her feet, let alone her designated sleeping area.

Sakura lifted her head, surveying the bathtub. It might work for the night if she could flop her body over its side. It'd take significantly less effort than the trek back to the living room. She could use one of the towels hanging up as a blanket, and the other as a pillow. As an added bonus, if she got sick on herself, she would be in the perfect position to clean up.

The tub looked more attractive by the second.

Sakura closed her eyes, inhaled deep, and prepared to enact her plan. But instead of crawling over the cold porcelain, she found herself scooped into two strong arms. Her insides quivered at the motion but resisted the urge to turn themselves inside-out. She let her head loll to the side, and it came to rest on Kakashi's solid shoulder.

Damn, she'd tried so hard not to wake him.

It took a moment for her sleep-deprived brain to realize that he'd carried her out of the bathroom. She closed her eyes, a vain attempt to relieve her vertigo, and groaned out, "What are you–?"

"You can't sleep on the floor."

Kakashi's brusque interruption got her attention. He sounded frustrated or angry. Not that she could blame him; she'd kept him from sleep in the grossest, most inconvenient way possible. Still, it was strange. The Kakashi she knew took everything in stride, pushing any negative feelings beneath a bland veneer or silly comment. Sakura stared at him, shocked, and his tired expression turned mildly incredulous.

"You were really going to stay there all night?"

"Of course not." Sakura rolled her eyes and immediately regretted it. She took a slow, deep breath through her nose. Once her stomach settled, she tried to explain. "I was about to–"

"I saw what you were about to do. The tub is just as bad."

Kakashi shifted his hold on her legs, resting them on his raised knee to free one of his hands. The soft rustling of fabric followed soon after.

"That last thing you need is to get a chill and go into shock." He laid her down, one eyebrow raised in challenge as he pulled a heavy comforter up to her chin. "But, of course, you already know that. Right, doc?"

"Kakashi," Sakura said, voice as firm as she could manage. "You put me in _your _bed."

A mild, placating smile lifted the corners of his mouth, his metaphorical mask back in place. "Don't worry, Sakura. I'll be on the recliner."

"That's not–" Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose. "You can't sleep on that recliner again. Last time you woke up with your back in knots, and I doubt I'll be in a condition to patch you up. Just carry me to the sofa."

Kakashi's smile turned saccharine. "No, I don't think I will."

"Damn you, old man. We are not sacrificing your well-being for mine."

"You make a fair point." Kakashi rubbed his chin, feigning consideration. "I suppose I'll take the sofa instead. Must be pretty comfortable, since you crash on it most nights."

"Oh. My. God. I do not have the capacity for this right now." Sakura dug her palms into the flat of her forehead, frustration growing by the second. "You damn well know that it's barely long enough for me to fit comfortably, and I'm at least eight inches shorter than you."

The smile slid off Kakashi's face, and he shoved his hands in his pockets. "What do you propose, then? It's 3 am, and we both need to sleep." Sakura opened her mouth to speak, but he cut her off, his voice unwavering. "You are not leaving that bed until you rest, or a medic sees you."

"What if I get sick again? I'll make a mess all over your–"

"I'll get you a bowl before we go to sleep."

"Fine. I'll sleep in your damn bed." Sakura sighed in sullen resignation, fatigue tugging at her eyelids. "But you have to sleep here, too."

"Sakura, I–"

"Don't argue with me. The bed's a fucking king-size. Your whole pack of ninken could fit between us."

"I just–" Kakashi rubbed the back of his head and shuffled his feet. "I don't know if that's a good idea."

Sakura had the brief, muzzy thought that he looked nervous. But that couldn't be right. Everyone knew Kakashi had nerves of steel. Besides, they'd shared closer sleeping quarters on missions several times. Sakura yawned and curled into a fetal position under her blanket.

She was too tired for this shit.

"Listen," she said, pinning him with a bleary, stubborn glare. "I'm tired. You're tired. But neither one of us is going to budge on this. So get me a bowl and get your ass in this bed. I won't be able to rest until you do. Do you want that on your conscience?"

Kakashi didn't answer. He ran both hands through his sleep-mussed hair as he walked away, shoulders slumped. A minute or so later, he returned with a large plastic bowl. After scooting the nightstand so that it sat flush against the mattress near her head, he plopped the bowl on top.

Sakura felt the bed dip under Kakashi's weight, but no shifting of the covers. She rolled over, slow and careful to preserve the equilibrium which had tentatively settled in her guts. When he came into view, Sakura frowned. Kakashi had reclined on top of the blankets. His hands rested on his bare chest, fingers tightly interlaced, while he stared at the ceiling.

"Aren't you cold?"

"Trust me. I'm more than warm enough." Kakashi sighed, the sound wry and weary. "Go to sleep, Sakura."

As Sakura listened to the steady rhythm of Kakashi's exhales, rest finally claimed her.

**.oOo.**

Sakura stumbled out of sleep.

For a blissful microsecond, she lingered in the foggy warmth of half-consciousness. With her next heartbeat, she achieved full sobriety, acutely aware of three things: the sour taste of her mouth, the rawness of her throat, and that she was alone. She eyed Kakashi's side of the bed. There was a man-sized indentation pressed into the comforter's plush thickness, the far edge of it uneven from where he'd gotten up. Sakura walked her fingers across the impression, surprised at the trace of heat still trapped in the fabric.

He'd stayed with her all night, despite his protests.

Her heartbeat stuttered.

On impulse, she grabbed his pillow and squeezed it to her chest. The lines of their friendship had blurred in her head over the last twenty-four hours. But in her defense, Kakashi made it difficult to keep in the ink where it belonged. Every brush of his unfailing kindness changed the shape of it in her heart.

_(Every touch of his warm hands, every quirk of his lips, each instance of subtle flirting...)_

Sakura fluffed his pillow and put it back in its place. No need to let him see her snuggling it like an academy genin. Then, she rolled over and sat up. Her dehydrated muscles were uncooperative, clumsy, and she jostled the nightstand in her efforts. Liquid splashed onto her knee, drawing her attention. A glass of water sat on the table along with a note.

_In the kitchen  
_ _Yell if you need me_

Well, damn.

Her heart didn't stand a chance.

**.oOo.**

As Sakura waited for the shower to heat up, she flossed and brushed her teeth. She chased the acrid taste of last night's misery away with Kakashi's cinnamon mouthwash. The stuff was strong and faintly sweet, and it went a long way towards making her feel human again.

Humidity rose in the small space, steam billowing like a cloud above the closed shower curtain. Sakura stripped down and stuck a toe under the stream. But before she could slide into the water's welcoming warmth, her brain tripped over a thought.

Sakura spent the night. That hadn't been her plan, though. In preparation for her evening with Kakashi, she'd carefully cultivated her excuse. Her overnight bag stayed behind at the office, and she'd removed her spare socks and underwear from her purse. Hell, she hadn't even brought her laundry, worried that it'd create too much of a temptation.

_Well, shit,_ she'd meant to say. _Left my stuff at the office. Guess I'll have to head back._

Then, she'd gone off-script and told Kakashi the truth instead.

_People think I left my husband because we're fucking._

Which was fine, really. It sucked, standing on that precipice of vulnerability. In that moment of emotional freefall, Sakura thought for sure Kakashi would be angry, shocked, or disgusted. It shook her courage more than her fight with a literal deity. But he'd simply held her hand and asked her to stay anyway.

And so Sakura stayed, landing herself in her current predicament; when she finished in the shower, she'd have nothing clean to wear.

_Dammit._

Stomping her foot, Sakura wrapped up in a towel and snuck to the bedroom. Stealth was key. She refused to be caught by Kakashi, half-naked and running around his house. Before, she might not have minded. But after last night, the idea seemed dangerous.

Sakura might be attracted to Kakashi.  
_(Undoubtedly)._

She might even be falling for him.  
_(Most probably)._

That didn't mean she was ready to lend credence to the rumors.

Sakura commandeered clothes from Kakashi's dresser within seconds – the shirt she'd borrowed before and lounge shorts with a drawstring. Holding them to her chest, she breathed out her relief and tiptoed into the hallway. A step away from her destination, Sakura paused.

"I know you don't like it," a voice murmured, hushed yet firm. "But our diplomatic relations with Suna are a higher priority than your grudge, Hatake."

_The Hokage was here?_

Sakura cast a genjutsu and crept closer, just enough to hear clearly. Both shinobi were capable of seeing right through her jutsu if she aroused their suspicions. Visual observation was out of the question.

"I'm not holding a grudge."

"Like hell, you're not." Tsunade scoffed. "You think I don't know what happened? I know everything, including whose side you took."

"If you knew," Kakashi bit out, his tone caustic, "why haven't you done anything?"

A heavy silence filled the air, and Sakura held her breath. The scraping noise of a chair being pulled out from the table broke the tension. With a swish of her cloak and the clip-clop of her heels, the Hokage took a seat.

Kakashi didn't make a sound.

"For now, it's a civil matter between spouses and lies outside of my jurisdiction. As Hokage, my hands are tied." Tsunade sighed. "As Sakura's mentor and friend, I could make it known I support her, just as you have. But by doing so, I'd compromise my investigation. Once I acknowledge the situation, my sources will clam up to save their own skins."

After a beat, she added, "Besides, Sakura likes to fight her own battles. Or so I've heard."

"Now, you tell me."

Tsunade chuckled at his response.

The refrigerator door opened, and Sakura flattened against the hallway wall. From the corner of her eye, Sakura saw Kakashi rummage inside. "If I make lunch, would you add me to your investigation team?"

"Depends on the lunch."

The conversation stalled as Kakashi began to prep ingredients. Sakura padded back to the bathroom, the sound of his chopping covering her footsteps. She scrubbed the sweat and sickness off as fast as she could, the water long gone cold. Then, she dressed in Kakashi's clothes, combed her hair, and marched into the kitchen.

"Good morning, shishou," Sakura said, head held high. Tsunade nodded, her expression neutral, as Sakura filled the kettle with water and put it on to heat. A small pot of congee sat on the back burner, gently simmering. Sakura gestured to it and asked Kakashi, "For me?"

Kakashi flipped the contents of his wok with a sure hand while he watched her in his periphery. "I wasn't sure you'd be able to keep anything else down."

The savory fragrance of the beef and vegetable dish he worked on made her stomach growl. But she knew it would be too rich for her recovering digestive track. Sakura looked at it with longing and sighed. "You're right."

The teapot whistled, and Sakura moved to retrieve her favorite mug and a sachet of chamomile tea from the cabinet. The shelf containing them lay almost out of reach. Stretching on her tiptoes was the only way she could reach them. Her legs shook, still fatigued from her ordeal, and she steadied herself with a hand on Kakashi's shoulder.

In a flash, Kakashi's hands circled her waist, supporting her weight. As she pulled the items down, he clucked his tongue and grumbled into her ear, "You should have asked me to grab that."

"You worry too much."

Sakura side-stepped away from him, ducking her head to hide her blush. His hands were going to be the death of her. Even the most innocent of his touches sent electricity sparking through her veins and her mind tumbling into the gutter. Yesterday, she blamed _Icha Icha_, but today she knew better.

It was the damn cabinetry's fault.

Their excessive height, in combination with her lack thereof, repeatedly put her in compromising situations. Kakashi may enjoy her company, and he might have considered kissing her for a brief moment. That didn't give those inconvenient pieces of shelving the right to get her hopes up. Sakura gave them a malicious glare and set about making her tea.

After she filled her mug, Sakura turned to sit down and froze, wide-eyed. She'd forgotten Kakashi had a guest – one who'd likely been observing them carefully. Sakura straightened her shoulders and took a seat at the table across from Tsunade.

Tsunade's eyebrows raised as her gaze zeroed in on Sakura's borrowed shirt. "No truth to it, huh, Hatake?"

Kakashi's hands stopped their stirring motion, but he said nothing.

Sakura cleared her throat, regaining Tsunade's undivided attention. The heat from Sakura's mug bled into her hands, the gentle burn grounding her, and steel settled in her spine. "We need to talk."

"So talk, Sakura." Tsunade rolled her eyes. Her mien remained casual, relaxed even, while her words held warmth despite their abrupt delivery. "We're not in the office; you don't have to ask for permission. You know that."

"That's good. Because this is not a conversation between the Hokage and one of her shinobi." Sakura studied her mentor as she spoke, looking for any tell-tale ticks of annoyance at her less than deferential tone. "This is between us as… friends."

Tsunade merely sipped her tea and motioned for Sakura to continue.

"I don't appreciate you investigating my life without my permission. Whatever has happened with Sasuke is my business and–"

A dark chuckle escaped Tsunade, and she leaned forward on the table. "Your business with Sasuke has put him in the ICU three times in the past year. As your friend, I can ignore it. We all know he damn well deserves it. But when a shinobi of Konoha gets injured that severely, as Hokage, I'm required to find out why. Doubly so if it occurs outside of missions or training." Tsunade shifted back into her chair with a sigh. "I know you've all tried, but none of you have exactly been discreet."

"Wait, three?" Sakura asked, thrown by her shishou's words. Sakura had meant to be firm, to lay down her boundaries. But the older woman's interruption derailed her purpose and sent her mind to flounder. "You mean two, right? It's only been Kakashi and me–"

"And Naruto." Tsunade narrowed her eyes and cocked her head at Sakura's shocked expression. "You really didn't know?"

Sakura shook her head.

"No… _Fuck_." She pushed her mug away, no longer interested in its contents. With closed eyes, Sakura hid behind her steepled hands and worked to slow her rapid breaths. "I don't get it. I caught them together, shishou. That's what started this whole fucking mess. Why would Naruto–?"

"Maybe," Kakashi said, taking the chair next to Sakura's, "we should start from the beginning. Combine our intel and see if we can't put together a more complete picture."

"I agree." Tsunade nodded, slow and deliberate. "Sakura?"

Sakura slumped forward, burying her head in her hands and a curtain of damp hair. She thought she understood the situation she'd been thrust into. It was her life, dammit. She was the one who'd been betrayed, the one living with the consequences all these months. She should know better than anyone what exactly was going on. Shouldn't she?

Her shishou's grim expression said otherwise.

Under the table, Kakashi pressed his palm over her knee. She wasn't alone. His presence centered her, helped to solidify her resolve. She had issues to address with her shishou and revelations to process. Her tears could wait for a more convenient time. Sucking in a deep breath, Sakura wiped her eyes, pushed back her hair, and dropped her hands to the table.

"Like I said before, I don't appreciate the fact that you started an investigation behind my back." Sakura faced Tsunade head-on, her green gaze unflinching. "I don't expect or want an apology from you. I understand that on some level, you were just doing your job. Still, it was wrong for you to keep it from me."

"You're right." The corners of Tsunade's eyes and mouth softened with something reminiscent of maternal fondness. "I should have told you."

"You can make it up to me by giving me whatever reconnaissance you've gathered so far." Sakura paused for a beat, weighing her feelings versus her options, and made a decision. "And whatever you find going forward."

Tsunade nodded again, this time brisk and determined. "Hatake, dish up the food. I have a feeling this is going to be a long meeting."

"Sure." Kakashi patted Sakura's shoulder as he stood. "As long as you give Sakura a check-up while we're waiting. She's too stubborn to say so, but she's not feeling well."

Sakura glared at his retreating back. "Traitor."

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; xx ]  
** _the silver linings  
part three_

**.oOo.**

The moon loomed large in the midnight sky, bathing the village in silver light. A gentle breeze blew cool and crisp with the first hints of autumn, and Sakura slid closer to Kakashi to absorb his heat. Side by side, they laid on his rooftop watching the stars.

"You okay?" he asked as his thumb brushed against her pinky.

"Yeah. Lady Tsunade purged the rest of the bacteria, so there's nothing to worry about." Sakura took his hand, weaving it into hers. "Just a little case of food poisoning."

"I wasn't asking about that, and you know it."

Sakura pressed her other hand over her belly and resisted the urge to call up her chakra. If her shishou hadn't been able to sense something, Sakura wouldn't either. With a sigh, she let her arm drop back to the rooftop, limp and lifeless.

"I told you it was too early. Even with the best medics and equipment available, it's impossible to get a definitive result until next week." Sakura shrugged, feigning nonchalance. Her pragmatism about the situation was getting harder to hold on to as the days flew past. But there was no point in worry consuming both of them. "I'm fine."

Kakashi sat up and tugged on her hand, pulling her along as well. An errant gust whipped her loose hair and stole the breath from her lungs, and Sakura shivered. The promise of change – _brisk days and dead leaves and a world set in hibernation, awaiting its rebirth _– hovered in the air.

"Come here," he said, making a space for her between his legs. "You're cold."

Sakura hesitated, but only for a moment. The wind picked up again, drawing goosebumps on her skin, and she rushed into the sanctuary of his waiting arms. Sakura curled her knees into her chest, tucking her arms into the cradle of her lap. Kakashi mirrored her position. His inner thighs pressed against the outer portion of hers, and he looped his arms over his knees. Heat flowed from his chest into her back as she settled into the planes of his lean frame. Her relief was immediate.

"See?" he whispered, his chin resting in the crook of her neck. "Isn't that better?"

Sakura hummed her agreement. Enveloped in the bubble of warmth provided by Kakashi, all felt safe and peaceful. A comfortable, companionable silence descended over them. The fatigue of the day crept into Sakura's muscles, and her eyelids grew heavy. The steady rhythm of Kakashi's breathing lulled her, bringing her to the precipice of sleep.

Then his fingers toyed with the hem of her borrowed pajama shorts, and she was suddenly very much awake.

There was nothing particularly provocative about the action. Kakashi's shorts fit her long, coming to a stop just past her knees, and he made no move to expose more of her skin. Just gently plucked at the fabric in an absent-minded fashion. The occasional brush of the pads of his fingers against her kneecaps marked the extent of the stimulation. Still, it was enough to flood her cheeks with a blush of heat and stoke the embers in her core.

"So," she said, grasping for a distraction, "when do you leave?"

"Tomorrow."

"Don't kill him." His fingers stilled at her words, but she continued. "I still need to talk to him."

"Note to self: don't murder Naruto."

Sakura shifted sideways in his hold so she could look him in the eyes. "I'm serious, Kakashi."

After a few seconds of determined staring, Kakashi sighed. "Fine."

Satisfied, Sakura turned around and snuggled back into his chest. Clouds rolled in and created shapes of shadow on the moon's face. They spent the next hour picking pictures out of the wisps of vapor, murmuring their findings to each other. Then, the clouds left as quickly as they came, leaving the night clearer and colder than before.

"Sakura, I–" His breath ghosted over her cheek and neck, and she shuddered. A long, quiet moment passed. Then Kakashi shook his head and stood, offering her his hand. "Never mind."

Kakashi pulled her to her feet, and she stumbled, falling into him. He held her close for a second – _forehead to forehead, his hands tangled in her hair_ – before stepping away with a conflicted expression.

"Hey, wait." Something about that look pierced her heart, and she refused to let him brush it off. "What were you going to say?"

"Don't worry about it." He held out his hand again. "Let's go inside."

Sakura took it but held her ground. "But you're leaving tomorrow. To _Suna_."

"It's only a week. It'll keep."

"Look, if you're not ready to tell me, that's fine." Sakura stepped closer and grabbed his other hand, studying his face. "But I'm here, and I'm listening. If it's important, you should just say it. I'm not sure what's holding you back–"

Kakashi closed his eyes and groaned. "Fuck, I'm going to hell."

Then, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; xxi ]  
** _oh oh oh  
_ _part two_

**.oOo.**

"Sakura!"

"Huh?"

Shizune loomed over Sakura, hands on hips, exasperation on her face.

"The meeting's been over for nearly ten minutes. Stop daydreaming, and get back to work." As Sakura opened her mouth to protest, Shizune gave her a stern look. "On second thought, just get out of here."

"But–"

"You're useless to me like this." Shizune snatched Sakura's patient files out of her hands. "Take a nap. Read a book. Pulverize some trees. Get laid. I don't care what. Just get your head back on straight, and be ready to work tomorrow."

**.oOo.**

Sakura pushed open the door. The place where Kakashi's shoes belonged remained empty. She sighed, closed the door behind her, and kicked off her own shoes. It's not like she actually expected him to be there. He wasn't due back until tomorrow night at the earliest, and sandstorms were prevalent this time of year.

Sakura ambled through the dark, silent house, at a loss for what to do with herself. _Get your head on straight_, Shizune had said. But Sakura wasn't sure how to do that without Kakashi. He'd kissed her, turned her world upside-down, and left before she could wake up and get him to do it again.

_If she thought she was sexually frustrated before…_

She decided to take a shower, thinking it'd help her take her mind off of him. All it did was remind her that she knew what sounds he made during ejaculation.

After her shower, Sakura slipped on his shirt and plopped on the sofa to read while doing a laundry load. But her brain cast his voice over the words, bringing an extra layer of personal desire to the titillating tales. Her arousal piqued, and her panties grew damp. With an incoherent grumble, she tossed the book to the side.

_Fuck it._

So far, she'd put off pleasuring herself, worried that Kakashi's sensitive nose would tip him off. But she couldn't take it anymore. She felt overstimulated and horny as fuck, and she had to take the edge off somehow. If he could jerk off while she slept in an adjacent room, surely she could do the same while he traveled through another damn country.

With her blanket tucked underneath, Sakura slumped into the sofa and propped her heels against the coffee table's top edge. Her knees shifted open slightly, providing space for her fingers to do their work. Then, as she slipped her hand into her panties, Sakura remembered.

_(His fingers digging into her spine as he drew her close._

_  
_ _The barely-there tremble of his lips as he first captured hers._

_  
_ _The unconcealed hunger in his gaze when she responded in kind._

_  
_ _Transporting inside in a rain of petals, his mouth never leaving hers._

_  
_ _Her overwhelming, all-consuming desire as his fervent kisses turned into nips down her neck._

  
_His body against hers, pressing the hard line of his cock into the soft flesh of her belly._

_  
_ _The roughness of his panting breath as he pulled away to say goodnight.)_

Even days later, the lingering sensations of his kiss were nearly enough to send Sakura over the edge. She was so close, dammit. But it'd been a long time, and her fingers weren't finding the right combination to finish the job.

Sakura sent a burst of chakra to her thumb, and it began to pulsate at high frequency. Drawing circles around her clit, Sakura searched the recesses of her brain some dirty, delicious thought. Fuck, she was desperate. The more her climax eluded her, the more she needed it.

Her fingers slowed, tired from their exertions, and Sakura cast her gaze around the room, frustrated. She moved her feet, spreading herself wider. The action knocked her book on the floor, and Sakura cursed. She glanced down to make sure it hadn't been damaged.

Inspiration struck.

_Page 62._

Sakura envisioned the scene in her head, this time with her as Misaki and Kakashi as Ito. Her thighs clenched as she pictured Kakashi's head pinned between her legs. She imagined how his tongue would feel, laving at her core, and her insides began to flutter. In her mind's eye, she buried her hands in his thick hair as she worked herself over his devouring mouth. Sakura's hips thrust in time with her fantasy, grinding into her vibrating fingers.

_Oh god, oh god, oh… fuuuuck._

Stars burst behind Sakura's eyelids, and she convulsed with the force of her orgasm. Her hips jerked in the air, her body pulled taut by the pleasure. A few lithe strokes from her fingers coaxed out a wave of aftershocks.

_Fuck, she'd never cummed so hard._

Boneless, she collapsed into the sofa's cushions and removed her hand from her panties. For a moment, Sakura simply let time stand still, bathing in the quiet, blissful afterglow. But when her heart rate returned to its normal pace, she turned to practical matters.

Sakura grabbed a few tissues from the end table and wiped the stickiness from her fingers. Dark stains bloomed where she touched the white paper, but she couldn't decipher them in the dim light. Sakura flipped the switch on the lamp, and time rushed back in motion with a vengeance.

_(All she could see was red.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I forgot to mention this before, but @thatpinkshinobi created a beautiful piece of art for this fic! 
> 
> You can check it out here: https://thatpinkshinobi.tumblr.com/post/618122769260052480/home-illustration-for-kanamesharisenwrites
> 
> She's lovely and amazing, so be sure to give her some love!


	8. transition, part one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want to thank everyone for being so patient with me and this story. the past couple of months have been rough on my creativity - working 6 days a week, the passing of a couple of dear friends - and even though I'm actively writing nearly every day, I'm just not making much headway. this chapter only covers about half the plot I wanted it to, but i've hit a mental block and I really just need to post _something_

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; xxii ]  
** _ all around us  
_ _ part one _

**.oOo.**

Sakura rushed through the corridor, eager to return to her office. 

A migraine pulsated behind her eyes as her uterus spiraled into a fresh batch of spasms. Though Sakura felt nauseated, tired, and cranky, she’d had no choice other than to push through the pain while on duty. Now off the clock, she wanted nothing more than to sit in the dark silence of her office until the pain meds kicked in enough for her to head to Kakashi’s. In her compromised state, Sakura failed to notice the door opening in front of her. 

One second she was rubbing the stress from her temples.

The next, she tumbled backward, landing flat on her ass.

“Oh, I’m–” A woman, grey and wrinkled, stood over her with a hand extended. A flicker of recognition cast over her face before it twisted into something malicious. She whisked her hand out of Sakura’s reach and spat out, “Serves you right. Filthy, cheating whore.”

For a moment, Sakura sat there, dumbstruck. 

_ What was this woman’s problem? _

Sakura had never seen the woman before, let alone been in a position to offend her. People drifted both directions down the hallway, whispering behind their hands as they stared. As fragments of their hushed conversations echoed off the spartan walls, the old woman eyed Sakura with malcontent.

_ (yeah, I heard they’re separated)  
_ _ (oh my god, that’s the medic that’s fucking her sensei)  
_ _ (I mean, if she didn’t want the Uchiha anymore, she could’ve just divorced him)  
_ _ (serious internal combustion, man. Like, it tore the damn team apart) _

Even after everything – _ wars and massacres, secret societies and traitors _ – there were those in Konoha who still idolized the Uchiha clan. With the rumors currently in circulation, Sakura must’ve made their shit list. Suddenly, it all made a twisted kind of sense.

Sakura stood up, pushing down the fury in her veins. She plastered on the calm and collected mien her profession required, swallowing her pride. “Please forgive me, ma’am. I didn’t–”

“Shut your trap. I don’t need an apology from a worthless kunoichi like you.”

Sakura’s composure frayed, weakened by the knife of pain inside her skull. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me, you little bitch.” The old woman stepped towards Sakura, encroaching on her personal space, words like venom on her shriveled lips. “In my day, kunoichi knew the value of sacrifice. Of loyalty. But not you.” The woman wagged a crooked finger in Sakura’s face. “You’ve only had one mission of any worth to this village. Marry the Uchiha and bear his children. Continue the line for the future of the great Konohagakure.”

Sakura’s vision wavered, going black along the edges as the woman’s rant drew a crowd. A maelstrom of anger and guilt and humiliation built inside Sakura, and her chakra flared dangerously. Still, the woman did not relent.

“But even as a simple broodmare, you failed. You left your honorable husband to rut with the mongrel son of that disgraced White Fang and–”

Sakura’s fist connected with bone-crunching accuracy.

**.oOo.**

Sakura hugged Kakashi’s pillow to her chest and curled into a ball around it. In that fetal position, she counted the dots in his comforter's pattern until her brain turned mushy and numb. Then, she did nothing but breathe.

Hours passed as the slant of the sun steadily drifted until no light remained. Sakura grew cold as the night’s chill seeped into the room. She didn’t move, not even to slip into the covers beneath her.

Time flowed on, but Sakura remained a fixed, immovable object.

Sometime in the early morning hours, Sakura heard the door creak open and shut. She listened to the dull thud of his bag hitting the ground, followed by the shuffle of him trading sandals for slippers. But even Kakashi’s arrival couldn’t bring her out of her stupor.

She felt paralyzed.

Kakashi removed his flak vest as he entered the bedroom and tossed it on the floor. The impact released a small cloud of dust from the fabric. His gloves, overshirt, and mask joined the vest, and Kakashi breathed in a deep sigh of relief. Halfway through the action, he froze. With a subtle sniff of the air, Kakashi turned his focus her way. A frown pulled at his lips.

After gathering a change of clothes, he whispered, “I’ll be right back.”

Sakura’s heart rate spiked, and tension shot through her body. 

_ He knew. _

Sakura hadn’t been sure which approach she’d preferred: tell Kakashi immediately or enjoy a drama-free day together before spilling her guts. Not that it mattered now. He’d figured it out without her saying a word. She was sure of it.

_ Damn him and his sensitive nose. _

Kakashi returned a few, short minutes later, scrubbing his damp hair with a towel. 

“I heard you’re on disciplinary leave.” He draped the towel around his neck and sat on the edge of the bed. “You punched an old lady?”

“The hag deserved it.” Sakura’s fists clenched as the poison of the woman’s accusations flowed through her anew. Anger flared in her chest, burning away the shackles of despondence. “She called me a whore and a bitch. Said my only value was as a fucking broodmare. That by leaving Sasuke, by not bearing him children, I’d failed the village.” 

She turned away from Kakashi’s gaze, picking non-existent lint from the pillowcase. “She had a few choice words to say about you, too.”

“They always do.”

Kakashi dragged his pillow out of Sakura’s grasp, fluffed it, and laid down facing her. When she avoided eye contact, he scooted closer and took one of her hands. His thumb ghosted over the broken skin and bruises she’d refused to heal. Then, he kissed her knuckles.

Sakura gasped.

“Now that I have your attention,” Kakashi tucked her hand inside of his and held it to his chest, “I’d like to ask why you’d listen to any of the shit that bitter, old viper had to say?”

Sakura tried to look away again, shamefaced, but he held her chin.

“Every word she said was a lie, and anyone who knows you would realize that immediately.” Kakashi’s fingers swept behind her jaw, tangling in her hair. He leaned close, so his face was all she could see, and said, “You are not a whore or a bitch. You’ve never been unfaithful, even when your spouse couldn’t say the same. You are not worthless. Not to your village, and not to those who love you. You are not a failure, Sakura.”

“But I am!” The words erupted from deep within Sakura’s chest, and her vision blurred. “I did everything right. Followed every conception protocol recommended by the fertility clinic. Took every precaution. Accounted for every factor. _ Debased _myself. All I had to fucking do was conceive, dammit! But still, I failed to–”

“No,” Kakashi asserted as he pulled her into his arms. “Sasuke failed you when he took away your choice. Your village failed you when they turned a blind eye. _ They _failed you, not the other way around. Do you hear me, Sakura?” He pressed his forehead to hers as he cradled her face in his hands. “You are not a failure. Your worth is not determined by the state of your uterus.”

The dam broke, and waves of grief rose to the surface. Sorrow swallowed Sakura whole, pulled her fast into its undercurrents. She’d tried so hard to be strong. To rise above. To move forward.

_ (To not cry.) _

But as she ignored her wounds, they gaped and festered. Sickness set in, infecting her soul and sapping her fortitude. There, the old woman’s lies had found fertile ground, watered by Sakura’s own insecurities.

Sobs wracked Sakura’s body. 

Kakashi’s words, straight and true, had set off a powerful, cathartic chain reaction. Moments of crystalline time flashed through her mind. Advice from her mother. Lectures from her father. Kunoichi-only self-defense lessons. Unwanted hands on her ass on a dancefloor. Crude epithets – _ whore, slut, frigid bitch _ – that commented on her sex life, or lack thereof. The council’s infelicitous interest in her marriage. 

_ (Sasuke’s disinterest in sex once he learned she was on birth control.) _

Sakura wept over each injustice, the saline loosening their stranglehold on her heart. Through her mourning, Kakashi simply held her, a solid rock in her turbulent sea.

“You okay?” he asked after she’d gone still and quiet.

Sakura let out a wry, watery chuckle. “God, you ask me that a lot.”

“You give me a lot of reasons to worry.” Kakashi tugged at his hair. “Do you see this? At least half of these are from you.”

She raised a skeptical brow. “Your hair’s always been that color, Kakashi.”

Kakashi scoffed in mock offense. “Not true! My hair used to be silver. _ Silver _ , Sakura. But some pink-haired troublemaker has it turning _ grey _prematurely.”

Laughter bubbled up inside Sakura’s chest, and she gave herself over to it. Its release sealed the work done by her tears. She felt more at peace than she had in ages. 

Exhaustion kicked in as the last of her giggles ebbed away, and she nestled herself into his chest. Kakashi’s heart played a lullaby under her ear, steady and soothing.

_ Fuck, she’d missed him. _

“Take a nap with me?” 

Kakashi hummed his approval as his fingers twirled around the loose ends of her hair. The heat from his body soaked into her chilled limbs, increasing her drowsiness. But, just before she slipped into sweet oblivion, Sakura remembered her promise. 

“When we wake up, okay?” she murmured through sleep-slowed lips. “We’ll look at the contract together.”

**.**

**.**

**.**

**[ now; xxiii ]  
** _ all young dreams  
_ _ part two _

**.oOo.**

“So, what do you think?” Sakura wrung her hands, hating the desperation in her voice. “Can you break it?”

Kakashi rubbed the back of his neck as he slumped into his chair, exhausted. “No.”

The scroll laid open on the table between them. After Sakura shared what little information she had about the seal, Kakashi had gone silent and preternaturally still. Sakura matched his demeanor, afraid to distract him as he studied it. He took his time, mulling over each hidden word and symbol that bound her. 

After the better part of an hour had passed, Kakashi tested its fidelity, prodding the ink with his chakra. Chakra use escalated into jutsu, which in turn escalated into the Sharingan activation. Through it all, Sakura waited and hoped for a miracle.

_ (Life was never that easy for a kunoichi.) _

Sakura saw the veracity of his answer in the lines of his face. Still, she couldn’t help but blurt out, “But the Fourth was your sensei, and he was an expert at fuinjutsu! Shishou said that he taught you what he knew. That you were the best in the village. There’s got to be–”

“I’m sorry, Sakura.” Kakashi leaned forward, fists clenched on the table. “I’ve tried everything I know. This seal... _ fuck _. I’ve never seen anything like it. If Minato-sensei was here–” 

He turned away with a pained grimace, leaving the statement unfinished.

_ Shit _.

Sakura’s stomach flipped, wracked by a sudden onslaught of guilt. A beat of uncomfortable silence passed as she rolled up the scroll and pushed it aside. Reaching for Kakashi’s hand, Sakura gathered her thoughts and set them to words.

“Dammit, I’m the one who should apologize.” 

Kakashi leveled her with an incredulous look. “Why should you–?”

“Because I put unrealistic expectations on you. This,” Sakura pointed to her marriage contract, “is my problem. I got myself into this mess. It’s my responsibility. It was unfair to expect you to instantly solve it for me.”

Kakashi shrugged and pulled his hands out of her hold. “I volunteered, remember? It’s fine.”

Sakura frowned. “Why do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Deflect.”

Kakashi scoffed. “I don’t deflect.”

“Bullshit,” Sakura growled, frustration mounting as she rounded the table. “For months now, I’ve been vulnerable with you. You’ve seen me at my absolute worst, covered in tears and snot and god knows what else. I bear my fucking soul to you regularly. But you!” She shoved her finger in his chest. “You, Kakashi Hatake, shutdown any time it's your turn to reciprocate!”

“That’s not–”

“Don’t you dare deny it.” Sakura backed away, pulling at her hair. “I obviously hurt your feelings right now. Probably not for the first time either. But you brushed it off like it was nothing. Like I wasn’t in the wrong. But I was, and we both know it. _ Fuck… _you just– you never speak up.” 

Something tightened in her chest. She’d been avoiding this conversation. Avoiding even thinking about the issue. Kakashi built a safe haven for her over the past few months, and she’d been afraid this confrontation would tear it apart. But Sakura’s selfishness reached its limit.

So, she soldiered on, damn the consequences.

“I don’t know what you think about us. Or how you feel. Or what you need. Because you _ never tell me _ . You always defer to what _ I _ think or feel. What _ I _ need. Can’t you see the fucking imbalance there? It’s like I’ve turned into an emotional leech – and you deserve better!”

“You're wrong. I don’t deserve anything.” Kakashi scrubbed a hand over his chin and shook his head. With a soft, self-deprecating snort, he looked her in the eye. “Especially not from you.”

His words landed like a punch to the gut. Sakura spluttered and stared at him, dumbfounded. 

_ How the hell could he think–? _

Kakashi encompassed all the traits she most admired. Intelligent and resourceful, his mind pierced as sharp as any weapon or jutsu he wielded. Though he embodied sarcastic wit, he also remained unfailingly kind. He became a force of nature on the battlefield, dangerous and unyielding _ – _ a paragon of skill and survival. Above all, he was loyal, no matter the cost. She couldn’t wrap her mind around his statement of self-condemnation. A sudden bout of fury ignited in her soul.

_ Fuck whoever made him believe he was unworthy. _

Sakura held up a single finger and whispered between her grit teeth, “I’ll be right back.”

She stomped into the bedroom and slammed the door shut. Grabbing the first pillow within reach, Sakura shoved her face into it. Then, she screamed with all her might.

When that wasn’t enough to alleviate her ire, she punched the damn thing into oblivion. Feathers rained down, covering the room in downy white. Still, her heart raged. But her uncontrolled anger would do nothing to help the situation. She couldn’t beat self-worth into Kakashi.

Sakura took a deep breath and remembered what Shizune had taught her. 

_ (Breathe, Sakura, and let it go. Anger might fuel your fists, but it’ll cloud your mind. You’ll make mistakes you can’t afford.) _

Since Sasuke’s marital betrayal, Sakura had neglected the self-control fostered in her by the older med-nin. Violence came with its own type of catharsis, and she’d indulged in it of late. The current circumstances required a reapplication of the discipline, though. 

Perched on the edge of the bed, Sakura crossed her legs and draped her hands over her knees. She breathed _ – _ in through her nose and out through her mouth. After several slow ten-count inhales and exhales, Sakura felt centered. 

Clear-headed. 

_ Ready to face the demons residing in Kakashi’s heart. _

She strode into the kitchen, calm but with a purpose.


	9. author's note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I struggled with what to say here. In the end, I just copied and pasted my post from tumblr

> hello ks family! 
> 
> i’ve decided to step back from fandom (my explanation can be found [here](https://kanamesharisenwrites.tumblr.com/post/633714286760493056/dear-friends-and-followers-i-am-heading-into-a)). but before i do so, i have a few loose ends to tie up, namely my wips.
> 
> i do not have the time, energy, or inspiration to complete them, so i’d like to pose a question (or two) to my readers and the community - would anyone like to adopt them? 
> 
> I’ve got two: **[home ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Farchiveofourown.org%2Fworks%2F21089873%2Fchapters%2F50177612&t=NmEyNzg1MDUzMDM2YmVkMmRlYzlhOTA1OWYxNGI4YWNhNDFkNjI3OCx5VzROTzZKdw%3D%3D&b=t%3AWBKmr3MhRneoUD5YdAJlnQ&p=https%3A%2F%2Fkanamesharisenwrites.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F633714864006758400%2Fhello-ks-family-ive-decided-to-step-back-from&m=1&ts=1604441373)**and **[antihistamine](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Farchiveofourown.org%2Fworks%2F25079926%2Fchapters%2F60751639&t=ZWM3Y2UxMDhiN2U5YTg0YTA3M2UxNWVmY2Q4YWUxNzg5NWUwZGM0Yix5VzROTzZKdw%3D%3D&b=t%3AWBKmr3MhRneoUD5YdAJlnQ&p=https%3A%2F%2Fkanamesharisenwrites.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F633714864006758400%2Fhello-ks-family-ive-decided-to-step-back-from&m=1&ts=1604441373)**
> 
> Alternatively, if no one wanted to adopt them, would adding a final chapter that gave an outline of the main remaining plot points (including the ending) be something that readers would want?
> 
> please let me know your thoughts. i plan to make a decision either way by the end of this week
> 
> thank you! 


	10. follow-up author's note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> my exciting announcement, copied and pasted from tumblr!

Hello again, KS family!

I am extremely pleased to announce that my fic, [_home_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21089873/chapters/50177612), has been adopted by the lovely and talented [@faerietell](https://tmblr.co/mUjlC8HYHC8j83g597GHx_A) ! ([faerietell](https://archiveofourown.org/users/faerietell/pseuds/faerietell) here on AO3)

If you are not familiar with her writing, I highly recommend you read her amazing story (which also happens to be my favorite KS fic of all time), _[make it holy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17515901/chapters/41262779)_

My notes/summaries for the remaining chapters will be posted as bonus content once the fic is complete, so not only will readers get a completed story, they’ll get two versions of it! 

With my crazy schedule, it will take some time for us to navigate the transition. But rest assured, the story is not over!

Thank you, again, to all my readers and supporters   
I hope this news makes you all as happy as it has made me

(in case you missed it, my previous announcement can be found [here](https://kanamesharisenwrites.tumblr.com/post/633714864006758400/hello-ks-family-ive-decided-to-step-back-from))


End file.
